Saturday, October 22, 2011

letter to my birthmother


I have thought about you everyday of my life. Before I met you, I thought you would be a famous actress, a doctor, or a princess. I always thought that you were this perfect person who would love to have me find her.

Every time I saw a woman with brown eyes and brown hair, I thought it was you. I thought that maybe you were checking on me to make sure that I was OK.

I dreamed of you since I was little. I don't even remember being told about you, but I always remember having a sense of something missing, even before I knew about you.

I spent so much time and so many years looking for you that I was convinced I would be looking for the rest of my life, like it was never going to happen. I never really thought I would find you.

Sometimes, I wish I never did. At least I would still have thoughts of you being a perfect person who secretly missed me everyday. I always thought you must be thinking of me, especially on my birthday. I just assumed you loved me.

Then I met you. At first, I thought you were in too much shock to show me any affection. The very first thing you said to me when you walked in my door was, "Don't hug me." Then you made some crass comment about my long curly hair.

I tried for a while to like you. I even assumed I loved you. I figured the reason I felt so stupid and not good enough around you was my own fault.

I never felt good enough around you. Not even when I was on the phone with you. I always felt like I was pulling teeth to get you to talk to me.

You even told me you would have never looked for me. That devastated me. I felt like you threw me out all over again. Like I should never had tried to find you, because I was invading your space. Like I went against your wishes.

Well, you went against mine. No one ever asked me if I wanted to be deserted. No one ever asked me if I wanted to live with strangers. No ever one asked if I wanted to live in a foster home, only to get ripped out of that family, too.

No one asked me if I wanted to live in constant fear of being "given back" if I made a mistake. After all, the only mistake I made with you was being born, and I didn't even do it on purpose. Look where that got me. In some cold, unemotional agency that simply wanted to get me out of their hair just as fast as you did.

Throwing away, dumping, dropping off, giving up, no matter what you feel like calling it, it is the most devastating thing you can put on another human being. Even with all the anger I feel toward you, I would not wish adoption on you in a million years. It's far too cruel. It wrecks a person. It breaks a person. It creates a second guessing of yourself, everyone, and everything around you.

Everyone I know knows where they came from. It was their birth right. They take it for granted. Like it's some legal right they have. I never had that. I had a piece of paper that came with me saying that you had a bunch of brothers and sisters, a zillion aunts and uncles, and that you were some sort of competitive swimmer. I even thought your father lived in another country, simply because there was a typo on that paper. I grew up thinking I was from something. That I was someone that I wasn't.

Can you even imagine my shock when I learned the truth about you and me and where I came from? You can never understand it, nor would I wish it upon you to.

I wonder if you were angry about me, or about being pregnant. It seems like you must have been, and still are. I feel your anger all the time. From the very day I met you. You resented me for finding you, because I interrupted your life for a second time. You cannot deny it, because I know it in my heart. You are ashamed of me. I know you feel it with every fiber of your being. I know I do.

I have never been anything but an inconvenience to you. You have made that very clear, not just on one occasion. I wish that I could be a big enough person to say I don't hold that against you, but I do.

YOU are the one who ran away. YOU are the one who slept with a stranger at a party. YOU are the one who abandoned me.

I am head strong, and I got that from you. I know you could have kept me if you felt like it. I am aware that the circumstances would not have been perfect, but I am also aware that throughout my life, my circumstances have not always been perfect either. But I do not run from them. I don't give my issues to someone else to fix.

I believe that every person deserves to know who they are. You stole that from me. You tore it away. You took it. You stripped me of the very thing that makes a person a person. Who they are. I still don't know, and I hold you personally responsible for that.

Even my own mattress has a tag that shows exactly what it's made of. It also says, "DO NOT REMOVE." Maybe you could learn a lesson or two from something so simple.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Adopted: The Movie

get yourself a bucket, sit back, and listen to this asshole AP squeal with laughter and delight over the event in which a woman will soon  experience the loss of her baby, and that baby of her mother:

now that's something to be proud of and excited about, JACQUI.

obviously, i think this flick is a MUST-see. jennifer fero rips my heart to absolute shreds every single time i watch this.

"you only got her because she was abandoned."

Friday, October 14, 2011

one leg of the journey

last night, i was surfing youtube and came across one of the "adopted" documentary clips featuring lynne connor.

i posted it on my friend luz's wall.  she came back and asked me, "Did you feel this way sometimes? (Not the Asian-ness, specifically, but some sort of different-ness)?"

my answer to that was affirmative.  "Almost all times. I just never had the words. I couldn't figure out how to say it. And if anyone tried to help (my mother mainly) the guilt overrode everything and I just shut my mouth and tried to be grateful."

my mother, however, wasn't exactly the source of my always feeling weird surrounding my adoption. it's almost ingrained in an adoptee.  "man, these people went out and paid good money for me.  i better come through....."

looking back, i remember typically feeling weird surrounding my adoption.  genetically- a total misfit.  physical appearance-  i looked like no one, and that made me mad.  i didn't have any of the musical talent that everyone in my family had, and the guilt from that alone was incredibly overwhelming.  i grew up being the 4th generation of living on a lake, but i was terrified of deep water an still am.

my mother was the source of everything good for me to feel like a normal kid.  she never babbled on and on about how "special" or "chosen" i was, which 99% of adoptees hate hearing.  all that term does is put pressure on us to be grateful.  if we're not grateful, we have a lifelong fear of being 'given back'.

instead, my mother treated me like an average kid, just like she did with my brothers.  but still.........that doesn't cure my "adoptee syndrome", which i consider to be a very real problem.  nor has anything in my 43 years cured me of my own primal wound.

i think luz takes an excellent approach to parenting adoptees by educating herself through books, movies, documentaries, and, wait for it!  daring to DIALOG with real live adult adoptees!  shocking, i know.

i don't claim to have any answers, and i don't think luz has them all either.  but i do know that the closer we get, the more i tell her how much i see my little girl self in her young daughter. in fact, tessa and i are now penpals.

i don't see adoption ending in my lifetime, although i would love to see it abolished.  but in the mean time, i'm happy to have luz to hear my feelings, my explanations of behaviors and even some of the good things..................

my main example being my mother.  she is the best woman on earth, and even though she didn't have all the answers either, she loved me through it, and continues to just hear me.  we can't undue my adoption, but we can at least  journey through it together, and there's always room for one more person on our train, and for me, that's my luzzy.

Monday, October 10, 2011

My Gracie Mae


my dear, sweet gracie mae,

do you remember the day we found each other? i turned the corner, and there you were in all your glory:) our eyes met, and it was instantly magical!

"i want to see that one. can we take that one out? i want to see her and sit with her. i need to sit there and feel what she's like to be near."

we walked outside together. you had red marks on your white fur from your temporary collar. i sat down on a tree stump and you stood next to me. i was petting you, with the most odd sense of intention. i wanted to comfort you, and i wanted to feel your soft fur.

what i felt was your heart. i held your face in my hands with an absence of fear that i had never known with a dog before. i could feel your heart with mine. i could feel the depth of your very soul. i could feel your warm, caring spirit, and it made me free again, gracie. you set me free for the first time in years.

i knew we belonged together, and i knew it with all my heart.

do you remember when we walked back inside together? do you remember the nice man who took you back to your small cell? do you remember me getting down on the floor with you and telling you i had to go fill out paperwork, and that they wouldn't let me take you with me? do you remember me telling you that i wouldn't leave you behind? that i was only going to another room? that i would come back for you? that i would never leave you again? do you remember?

the papers said your name was "princess". when we got in the car together, i promised you i would give you a proper name that was full of intention and love, just like you were. i told you i was going to call you "grace", after your granny. "gracie", i said.

i wonder if you remember your first night at home with me? you didn't want to come indoors with me. you hesitated. i got you a dog bed, and put it near the fireplace. i had to plop you in it because you wouldn't go to it. when i went to bed, i kept getting up to make sure you were still breathing, finally, i picked you up and brought you into bed with me.

you slept next to me all night. i felt you breathing, and i felt your heart beating with such a beautiful rhythm. you slept soundly all night, as if we had always known eachother. the next morning, i woke up to you looking at me, waiting. you refused to leave my bed until i left it.

you have been my most loyal, true companion in this incredible life we lead. we're happy together. just like we both knew we would be, and should be.

my sweet gracie mae. i love you in ways that i don't have words for. i try to let you know every day how much i care and how much i appreciate all that you are and all that you do for me.

i pray for you more than i pray for myself.

i enjoy you, i relish you, and i love you.

you are my heart and you are my soul. i am so intensely blessed and proud to be your mother, your companion, your anything............. because you are my everything.

Friday, October 7, 2011

falling away..........

i recently had a birthday which always leads me to thinking about sally (my original mother).  i mentioned her on facebook a couple of times, "i wish she would just try to know me......"  this led my friend to ask if she could contact sally for me and ask her for a relationship.  even just writing to each other once a year.

in turn, sally stalked my friend on google, obtained her phone number, proceeded to call her at 10PM and rip her a new one.  she told my friend that the door to our relationship was closed and that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.  she went on to tell my friend that i had her 'duped' her into thinking i was a nice person.  that i surely had her fooled.

sally's one request?  to be notified of my death via email.

i've often wondered and expressed aloud, "how in the world did i come from such a person??"  it breaks my heart to be related to someone that can be so cold.  it also drives me nuts when people constantly tell me to "get over it".  it's NOT that simple, and unless you have walked in my reeboks, you have no say.

in the days following the exchange between sally and my friend, i've felt a flux between anger, sadness, disgust and a new one: relief.

this latest demonstration of her never ending grudge finally sort of settled into me differently.  once the rage wore off, i started to care less about my desire and desperate need for her to love me.  i finally realized that i don't need her to approve of me in order to make a good life for myself. 

i didn't need her love to become a winning figure skater, a good ballet dancer, a talented water skier, or a Spelman grad.  i don't need her now to be a great shelter chef, an excellent japanese interpreter, or an advocate for my homeless friends.

i can become whatever and whoever i need and want to be without her.  i can do anything and everything without her.  i truly wanted to do all of it with her, but that wasn't meant to be.

so now, after a lot of soul searching, i feel ready to allow her to "fall away" from me.  i'm looking forward to enjoying this new freedom from a constantly wounded soul that is now finally becoming free........

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

the nail lady: having babies

me: "hey tracy, how's life??"

t: "lye good.  kid in skooo, me like."

me: "hmmm.  speaking of know i want a baby.  i'm thinking about starting to try in the next 9 - 12 months or so."

t: "baby lot of work.  you ready?  you scare??"

me: "i don't know that anyone is ever REALLY ready....i mean there's all that second guessing about whether you can be a good enough parent, if you have all the answers, if you're good enough, whether you'll make mistakes......worrying about the right choices for this little human's so much to think much responsibility, do i have enough money?  do i have the right temperament?  do i have the patience?  i mean, i LOVE kids so much....i'm just obsessing every.single.night. about whether i will be a good enough many nerves, so much apprehension, it never goes away...."

t: "i no talk about dat.  i talk about delivery.  it lye someone shot you in the lady parts with a .45 caliber.  you ready for dat?????"

Sunday, October 2, 2011

finding her, part 6

late that afternoon, i followed her in my car over to herkimer where i was to meet her mother, nephews, aunts and uncles. when we arrived, a mob of people emerged from the house, running toward me and suddenly they were all clinging to me for what felt like an eternity. my god, that was weird. so uncomfortable.

i also was able to meet her father who lived not far from the house where we were stationed for dinner. her father was nice, but most definitely the least interested of all my newly found relatives.

back at my new grandmother's house, we all had dinner and i met my little half brother, who was 6 months old at the time. i've always loved babies, and i noticed how very little patience sally had with JJ right away. at first, i blamed it on nerves, but the longer i watched, the more i saw her frustration grow into what i now classify as plain disgust, as if he were an interruption. an interruption in her life, just as i would later figure out i was. again.

suddenly, i found myself torn between a primal instinct of needing her, to the most foreign, out of touch feeling i could have imagined.  i simply couldn't understand how i could feel such........disconnect.

i needed and wanted her to belong to me, and i felt the same need to belong to her.  why didn't she act like she knew me?  why was i so unfamiliar to her?  how could she have carried me around, literally, for 9 months and now she has zero connection?  why doesn't she need me?????  how can she be so uninterested in us having a connection?

each time we met was more awkward and unsettling as the time before. up to that point in my life, i can't say i knew any other woman who had shown so little regard for her own child.  i watched her move through her days with no care or concern for anyone, including her little boy.

devastating.  simply, utterly devastating.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

finding her, part 5

i had left my front door open, waiting.  she walked in.  i was standing about five feet away with my fists clenched by either cheek and a nervous grin on my face.

i slowly stepped toward her and relaxed my arms.  her first words to me, "don't hug me."  hmmmm.  odd, no?  oh well, maybe she was just in shock.  i certainly was, because i was the absolute image of her from head to toe.  it was almost uncomfortably shocking.  i didn't know how to look like someone.  i was used to looking like NO ONE at all.

"that hair really throws me off."  hmmm.  weird.  actually, i was pissed that she said that to me, but i was busy trying to fall in love, so i let it go.

as we moved to the living room to sit down, i noticed we walked alike.  she even touched her own hair like i touched mine, with a strange trepidation, as if the "poof" of it would become explosive if we messed with it.

as we sat together, she showed me a big bag of pictures from her childhood, all the way through her present marriage.  we looked for hours on end.  to be honest, after a while i started to get a little antsy.  didn't she want to know anything about me or see any pictures of mine?

in those few hours, she said some of the coldest, most rude things to me, but again- i was busy trying to be happy and grateful to have her RIGHT there.

"so why did you give me away??"

"well, mainly because i didn't want you.  what i really wanted was an abortion."

holy shit.  did she really just say that to me???????????  are you shitting me???

"but you had me, so didn't you change your mind at all once you saw me?  isn't it like in the movies, when the lady sees her baby and her whole life changes????  she falls in love with her kid and will do anything to protect her baby.  didn't that happen??  didn't you feel any of that stuff??"

"um, no.  i never wanted to look at you.  i had zero intention of keeping you, so why would i look at you?  my mother looked at you and she tried to make me look, but i just didn't have it in me.  i didn't want you before, and i didn't want you after."

what happened next will never leave my much as i pray for it to go..............

finding her, part 4

i went to my room, mainly to sulk in private.  i was so pissed off.  i had really blown it by making the mistake of putting that stupid phone down.  i vowed i would never forgive myself.

i fluctuated between hating myself and feeling downright sorry for me.  i couldn't believe i had her right there and she was gone again in about 10 seconds flat.  i couldn't recall having been so disappointed in my entire life.  not once.

as i sat there on my bedroom floor in tears, the phone rang.  i leapt up and answer within the first ring.  "HELLO!!!!!!!!!"  it was xyz again!  to be honest, i don't remember much of what he said to me, except for a couple of details.  "her name is sally.  she's from herkimer, is married and now lives in new jersey.  i spoke to her and she would like to know if she can call you? she has a 6 month old baby that is sleeping right now."  of  course i said yes, and at around 10pm, my phone rang.

when i answered, the voice belonged to a man.  totally threw me off.  "hi jeni, my name is david.  i'm married to a woman named sally.  we think she might be your birthmother.  do you think that's possible?"

"yes, i absolutely do."

"would you like to speak to her?"  all i could think was, "wow, what a stupid question."  he put her on the phone and away we went.

we talked for 4 hours straight, until 2am.  we covered everything from big moose, to skating, to her life in herkimer.  we decided that she would come to new york in two weeks to meet.

to be honest, that should have been my first clue that this was going to go downhill from there.  i thought it odd that she would or even could wait two whole weeks!!!  what the hell!!!!!

but wait, i did.  i had no other choice.  that saturday finally came.  i still remember what i was wearing.  i had to work that morning on the air from 9-12.  it was without question, the longest 3 hours of my entire life.  i got home at around 12:30.  i remember being in the bathroom fixing my huge, oversized spiral curls, spritzing them like crazy because they were one of the things i was known for.

i looked at myself from every angle possible to make sure i didn't look fat.  or that my nose wasn't having an excessively 'big' day.  i fixed my eyeliner, mascara and lip liner about 200 times each.

all of my roommates were out, either working or simply making themselves scarce.  i was an absolute nervous wreck.  i was shaking like crazy, pacing back and forth to the bathroom and the full length mirror, then to the kitchen and back to the bathroom.

finally, i heard it- "slam!"  a car door.

finding her, part 3

i was sitting at my desk at the radio station one night when all of a sudden my phone rang.

"hi jeni, this is xyz....." (one of the people working with sandy).  "we've found your mother."  i'm sure his announcement was met with silence on my end for nearly a minute. 

"you WHAT???????????"  what he was telling me was simply not possible.  it had to be a mistake.  he could never find her, because i had already tried hard enough, and if my will alone wasn't adequate, nothing else would be, or should be.

"can you hold on for one second?"  i put the phone down and shut my office door so i could freak out with this guy in private.  i ran back to my desk, picked the phone back up, "you've GOT to be shitting me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  you found my MOTHER!???????" 

and just like that- POOF.  investigator man was gone.  "hello???  hello???  HELLO??????????????????"  nothing.

i waited in my office for at least 2 hours for him to call back.  instinctively, i knew he had hung up for safety wiretapping or something else that could get his cover blown.  if that happened, he would never be able to help another adoptee.  the sealed records are sealed for a reason, and no one in NY has ever had that ruling overturned.  not once.

finally i decided to leave for home, even though every fiber of my being knew i would miss his call back while in transit-- such a big part of me wanted to sleep under my desk at work and wait for the phone to ring again.

i got in my car and raced home anyway.  once there, i grilled my four roommates- "did anyone call me?  anyone?  did this phone ring in the last 45 minutes?  has anyone at all called here looking for me?" 

not one phone call.  not even a wrong number. 

i felt deflated, devastated and like my mother had been right there in my hands and i let her slip away.  she was gone again.  gone.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

finding her, part 2

when i was about 13, i started to search for my mother on my own.  i had a piece of paper that came with me, and one of the things it mentioned was that she was a competitive swimmer.  i started calling all the local high schools to see who had a pool.  i then went to each school's library and looked at old yearbooks, really searching for my face in one of school's swimmers faces.

i also tried calling every junior and senior in each yearbook, asking if they remember any of the girls getting pregnant in high school.

by the time i was 18, i was dating a cop, and i tried looking up police records on all those same people.  a big part of me wondered if she had broken any laws, because i assumed she must have been a derelict if she could just abandon her own baby.

by the time i was working at the radio station, i was sort of depleted of ideas, but i still never stopped hoping and daydreaming.

i felt the usual flicker of hope......the possibility of finding her was still there.....but at the same time, i had the safety of knowing i would never really find her.  right???  i mean, it had never happened before, even with eight years of searching frantically on my own.  i thought i had wished "hard enough" for it to happen, but it hadn't.  so deep down inside i had a "knowing" that it was never going to happen.

so, the more i stared at the information for this lady who searched for people missing through adoption, the more i thought, "why not?"  so i called the number listed.

i talked to a lady named sandy who told me that she was a first mother and had found her daughter.  i didn't end up booking her for the radio show, but i did book her for my own search.

my immediate thought was that i had to tell my mother.  she was in full support, as was my father.  they were also concerned and skeptical, being that my adoption was in the tightly sealed state of ny.

still, i sat at my desk for the next several weeks waiting for the phone to ring.  i also called sandy here and there, asking how my search was coming along.  "still working on it!"

i was convinced she'd never find my other mother either.  until one day when my phone rang.....

"jeni?  we've located your mother."


Saturday, July 30, 2011

all lies. except that i'm a girl with brown eyes and hair.


brown eyes

brown hair

5 pounds 3 ounces

19 inches

Mother: brown hair and eyes. Competitive swimmer. In college preparatory courses. Her father lives in another country. Russian decent. Negative health history. 5'3", 125#. Several aunts and uncles, several siblings. Protestant.

Father 5'10". Enrolled in college in engineering. Athletic, negative health history. Protestant.

The natural mother was very concerned for her child, and therefore chose adoption.

Carol Owens - Social Worker

i'm "un-done", so here's an "un-done" post.......

late june, 1984.  route 28 north.  summer vacation. big blue station wagon, with my skating dresses and tights all packed, on the way to lake placid to practice for the first 6 weeks of summer, no less than a million hours a day, both on and off the ice.  the 4 hour car ride felt like a million years to me every time.

"tell me the story again, ma."

"sure:)  your mother was very young......and she knew she couldn't take care of you, and she loved you so much, she gave you away to a family that she knew could give you what you needed.  love, time, care."

i remember sitting in the passenger side, trying to figure this out.  "try harder to figure it out."  that's what i kept telling myself.  if adoption didn't make sense to me, i must not be trying hard enough to figure it out. 

adoption didn't make sense to me that summer, or any of the summers before, or any of the summers, winters or springs of falls since.  all i knew, and know, for SURE, is that it makes no sense.

never has, never will.

to be continued.........

Friday, July 29, 2011

the nail lady: living conditions

j:  hey tracy- long time no see.  how in the world are you?

t: oh, fye fye fye.  what new fah you?

j: hmm.  went on vacation, still job hunting and do you watch the tv show "hoarders"?

t: no tye fah tv.  no tye, no tye.

j: well, it's about people who can't stop buying shit.  they buy some stuff that's the same as they already own and they buy more stuff, whether they can afford it or not.  then they have all this stuff in their house and can hardly move from room to room.

t: who lib lye dat?

j: people who hoard.  some people even hoard animals and they'll have like, 50 cats or 25 dogs or a room full of lizards or whatnot.

t: but why?  why dey lib lye dat?

j: i don't know man.  all i can tell you is that i can not tolerate shit like that.  i can't even go to bed with a dirty fork in the sink.  the drawers have to be closed perfectly, the towels have to be even, the laundry done, the floors clean, the bathroom spotless, the dog and cat toys are put away, their beds straightened, and when i'm in bed, the sheets have to be even, the pillows perfect.....the tv at a particular angle, the magazines put away in my night stand.....good Lord,  HOW do people LIVE with HOARDERS!?

t: how the FUCK does faith live with YOU?

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

adoption is touchy...for ALL of us involved.

fmothers typically have 2 takes on it:  "my baby was stolen/i had no choice."

PAP's and AP's seem to have two thoughts: "well, we could always adopt(because it's really our second choice) or "after i put out all this money to get a baby, THIS is my be stuck with a defiant brat that is NOTHING like me???"
adoptees have one of two responses as well, although they fluctuate between the fog of, "yes, i do feel lucky and grateful.  adoption is the best thing ever. and so therefore, i must keep these thoughts top of mind so i don't accidentally fuck up and get sent back to the people who couldn't stand me in the first place."  or...............they get with reality and understand that adoption, as a whole, is a lose-lose situation.

we lose in adoption.  our fmother lost a piece of her very core.  the adoptee loses her mother, her history, culture, medical past, her name, the facts of her birth, her siblings, and many times, even the knowledge of who her father might possibly be.

the adopters lose out on having their REAL kid which is what they wanted all along.  and then they have to deal with children that are polar opposites of every one in the family, and they may spend years trying to fix it, make it easier or if the kid was meant to be in the family.
all of this is just exhausting for the parties involved.  it really is. 

what's the solution?  believe it or not, i wonder if the "it takes a village" plan will ever be a possibility for the future of our country.  seems to be working just fine in other countries around the world, as long as people are honest and keep it simple, and as long as we don't try to 'fix it', or convince them otherwise.

why do we have SUCH an attachment to making a family by any means possible?  we need to be more accepting of what we can and can not accomplish naturally without destroying families at all costs and justifying doing it simply "because we can".

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

May 08, 2008

so painful.  so triggering.

tonight, i went to a volunteer dinner for hope house.  it was at a church and we were in the auditorium type room. 

it was all long tables and i turned around to glance at a table near us and this lady was looking at me.

a few minutes later, the speaker was doing her thing, so i turned around again to look and the same lady was looking at me.

people started getting in line for the buffet and i turned to see who was next and the lady was looking at me again.,

omg, you know what i went to each time in my head?

that same fucking thing from when i was a kid.  trying to look pretty enough, good enough, confident enough, strong enough, perfect posture enough, good smile enough, well liked enough...,,

............because she MIGHT be my mother, looking for me.

May 08, 2008

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

well, it happened.

my shrink forgot me.

to be honest, i usually wait for it and it happens eventually.  i've had the habit of waiting for my shrink to forget me since my first one did it when i was 16.  then one did it when i was 25.  then one died on me when i was 30.

here's how it happened this time....

i finally talked myself into going to the obgyn for the first time in several years.  i've been talking about it with my shrink for several weeks leading up to the appointment which was last wednesday.  i saw him on monday, and he reminded me that he was going out of town from wednesday-sunday.  he asked me, "would you like me to call you on friday?" yes, please.

wednesday came and my obgyn appointment was good.  we had agreed to simply meet each other for the first time and talk in her office.  i felt ok with her so i agreed to come back friday for an exam.  i agreed because i knew the shrink would call and that way i had some relief just anticipating him.

i went to the doctor on friday.  had an abdominal ultrasound which was useless because of the angle my uterus sits at, so she couldn't see anything.  she then did an internal ultrasound which was not great, but i survived.  finally she did a regular internal exam and i completely lost my shit.  i started crying uncontrollably and eventually threw up on her nurse.

when i finally left, i got all the way to the highway before realizing i forgot my bra in her office.  pahahaha:)  but i digress.

today when i went to the shrink's office, it was very quiet.  i felt like torturing him.  i could see he felt terrible, but i still had every intention of continuing to punish him.  after all, i had warned him in the beginning that if he ever forgot me, all hell would break loose.

then something occurred to me.  if i continue the silent treatment, or worse- quit therapy like i've done in the past, who is it really hurting?  not him.  so even though i'm really hurt, totally angry and completely disappointed, i have to let it go.

as my dog says, judging other people hardly defines them....but it certainly does define YOU.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

big daddy

originally posted 8/10/10 edited 6/3/11

people often ask me how i found my first family. here's the story of finding my nfather.

the first time i met my mother, she came to my house that i shared with 4 other girls. we were sitting at the kitchen table and she told me the story of how i came to be.

she had run away from home at 15. she went to california. at her age, she was unable to get a job, so she got back on the greyhound bus and started back to NY. 

there was a layover (no pun intended) in salt lake. she met a man who needed a nanny, so she stayed and worked for his family. she became friends with another nanny in the neighborhood, and they ended up going to a party together where she met and got laid by my father.

when she went to tell him she was pregnant with me, he was in jail. so back to NY she went.

when we were talking, she gave me his name and told me that he had been in the military at one time in his life. one other thing was that he had been married to a lady named kay and they had a son named after him.

this was back in the early 90's, so there wasn't any internet. i had to keep going back and forth to the public library. i looked in the phone books of utah searching for his name. nothing. i looked for her name. nothing.

eventually, i looked at the maps to find what possible military bases were in salt lake. i called several recruiting offices out there. nothing.

finally, i found an actual air force base. i called and asked if they could give me any info on someone based there over 20 years ago. "hahahahahahahahaha." apparently, not.

for some reason, i decided to call again around midnight. a woman answered the phone, and i told her who i was looking for. she told me 20 years was a really long time, but to call her back the next night and she would see what she could find.

i called her back, and sure enough, she had his info. she told me his DOB and where he was originally from. she also said that if i ever called back, she would deny knowing anything i was talking about.

i went back to the library and started searching the white pages for atmore, alabama. i couldn't find his name. i looked in all of alabama, nothing. i knew the area code (251) and the exchange 368. i started randomly dialing with those prefixes with any combination of numbers, asking anyone who answered if they knew him. no luck. until...........

a woman answered one of the numbers i dialed and i asked her if she knew him. "no, but my husband is the postal carrier here and he might know. hold on."


"uhhhhhyellllllllow!" i asked the same question, and he said, "i don't know him, but i know his mother, mazie. here's her number...."

holy KRAP.

so i called her. "what do you want with him????" i said i was just wanting to talk to him. she yelled at me for about 10-15 seconds until she heard me crying. "he's my father. i just wanted to talk to him....."

again....holy KRAP. i was shocked i was saying those words. "well, he's not here, but i'll tell him you called." i left my number, and i cancelled my memorial day plans to stay home next to the phone.


i tried him again several more times and i finally got him. he denied knowing anything about me. eventually, he admitted he knew about me. i asked him if i had any siblings. he said, "yes, i have 7 kids." i was shocked! "are you serious!!!???" he said, "i'm serious as a heart attack." alrighty then.

6 months later, i was home sick for 3 days with the flu. i went to grand union saturday night to get medicine. when i came home, there was a hang up on my answering machine. i was totally devastated, thinking i had missed his call. everyone i knew would have left a message. it had to be him.

a few days later, i got another call. "is this jeni?" it was a woman and i didn't recognize her voice at all. "i'm your sister."

the following november, i flew to dallas to meet my sister tracy. i was in the DFW airport when i looked around and picked her out from behind, just by the shape of her head.

that weekend, we drove to corpus and i met 6 more siblings. all very welcoming, as was their mother. 

little did i know at that point, my search was hardly over. i've found a total of 19 half siblings, and so far i've met only 8.

i was due to meet my father in 2 weeks from now, but that isn't going to happen. i'm waiting for the call that tells me he's off life support after a very long illness.

i have no regrets with my decision to not meet him up until this point. i have spoken to him on the phone several times, and for this lifetime, it's going to have to be enough. and for right now, it is. 

Robert W. ******
October 21, 1944 -August 21, 2010

Saturday, May 21, 2011

how am i feeling today.....hmmmmm

well, to be honest, i was feeling pretty good.  got lots done in the yard, the patio and the front room in preparation for gracie's 7th birthday party.  there's a little house on the prairie marathon, and it doesn't get much better than that, right?!!!!????

i wandered over to my adult adoptee support site to see what was new.  someone posted a new topic that led to a link regarding the cost of building a family.  the question was directed to adoptive parents.  it included treatments, home studies, international travel, failed adoptions, etc.

to be honest, the topic makes me sick, sad, angry, worthless, less-than, depressed, hopeless, ugly, terrible, fat (why not?) and like i have no business living on earth, unless it's to satisfy the desires of an adopter who was childless, and just didn't want to be.

i feel all of those things because sally instilled them in me time and time again.  my parents certainly never did, but when your very own creator tells you they would gladly have aborted you.....and they LOVE to tell that to you again and again and start to believe it.

if my own mother thinks that way of me, of course i will think that way to an extent.

something not uncommon between adoptees is to go around a circle (or on facebook) and declare what the bill of sale says you were bought for.  99% of us either have the bill of sale or our parents have told us the price.

if you are a human fucking being, it matters NOT about infertility costs, international travel tickets, failed adoptions.....we DO NOT FUCKING CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU LOST.

the absolute pain of knowing that there even IS such a thing as a price tag on my head hurts my core.  it pains my very soul. 

the agony is marrow deep.....and to not have this type of reaction would make me sub-human.  i already feel "less-than".  i don't need to feel any worse.

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by June 21.

Friday, May 6, 2011

she's still mine.

within a period of 12 hours, two people said to me, "aren't you glad you weren't raised by sally??????????"

how would i know?  i can't know.  but what i CAN tell you is that you're making a big fat mistake by dissing her.  big mistake.  big, big, big.

only *I* am allowed to hate her, or talk shit about her.  no one else is allowed to talk smack about my n-mother but ME.

and no matter how many times i bitch and moan and scream and freak out about what a COMPLETE fucking idiot she is and how much i HATE her.........

remember this: she is still my mother. do not disrepect her. do not bad mouth her. do not tell me i'm better off without her.

do not stop me from trying to chase after her, or i'll just do it behind your back. do not try to stop me from thinking about her. you won't. do not discourage me from daydreaming about her. you can't. do not tell me i shouldn't have searched for her, and above all, do not tell me to let it go.... because i will hang on anyway, and if you fight me on this, you WILL lose. i promise.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

holy krap with a "K".

my afternoon went like this:

(in a post on a support site i frequent)

"I think my shrink forgot my appointment.  I've been sitting in the waiting room since 3.  This is terrible bc I made this appt. last minute (this A.M. via email) and I felt like I was going to finally have the break through in therapy that I've waited my whole life for.  Omg.  I'm totally fucking devastated.  I'm just crushed.  Idk what to do.  I feel paralyzed, like I can not and do not want to go home.  I'm so lost. I left him a vm at 3:08.  Holy shit.  I don't know what to do.  The only obvious choice is (xyz)." turned out to be an error on my part, but what it lead to was the best therapy session 

i went in with so much emotion, and so much weird "readiness"....i came clean about a LOT of stuff where abandonment issues are concerned, and i also let loose about some trauma related things that i've never told anyone before.

the best part was the absolute ease with which i changed my thought pattern.  i went from anger and panic to forgiveness and a clear and open mind and heart in two seconds (well, 5-7 minutes, maybe.)

in the past, i've tended to be a grudge holder i think.  i've hung onto things that really, truly needed to be let go.  it was so different this time.  it was incredibly effortless in a didn't even occur to me to clutch onto my fear like i have done up until now.

being with (this therapist) carries a lot emotions with it.  apprehension, agony, even some disquiet.  i don't see those things as bad at all.  i see them as liberating, and stimulating and encouraging.

i'm so happy to have had this experience today.  everything about it has become so positive. 

and i SURVIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

moving through

something i learned a while back from my life coach was about moving through things.  not getting around them, or getting over them, but truly moving through them.  that's the only real way to get past some things.

it occurred to me the other day that i'm shifting.  my non-existent relationship with sally is, in reality, VERY much alive.  there are no discussions, no communication, no words of any sort.............well, not anymore.

i spent 20 years wondering about her, looking for her in every brown eyed woman, dreaming of her, wondering what country she was the princess of, or what hospital she was chief of staff for....

when we met, it was disastrous .  it was pain filled, hurtful, debilitating, gut wrenching and heart breaking.  her first words to me in this life were, "don't hug me."  her last words in this life were, "are you on drugs???  i should have aborted you."  and our last non verbal communication was when i once again sent her a note on facebook apologizing for whatever i had done wrong.  she immediately blocked me.

i believe i am finally in a place to make better choices where she is concerned.  i can not make her love me.  i can not make her communicate with me.  i can not make her acknowledge me.

in coming to this shift, i'm seeing it as likely one of the most freeing things i can do for myself.  letting her go.  it's time to let her go.

it's not easy, but it's better than the pain of being repeatedly rejected by her.  i'm open to her coming back into my life, but i'm not depending on it.

learning the hard way that i needed to move THROUGH this is what is allowing me to heal in many ways and areas of my life.

no longer do i cringe at the thought of being related to someone so cold and closed hearted.  now i appreciate that instead of being just like her, i have found the secret for my own healing.  for that- i'm grateful.

Monday, March 21, 2011

the nail lady

i went in to get my nail fixed today.

"wha happen you tum?"

"my thumb- oh. the dog bit me."

"oh no. dog bite it??"

"yeah, man."

"what wrong with dat dog??"

"oh, idk. he's just jacked up. he's old, and he's adopted and it's just a hot mess. he has a complex. he snores and has a funny face and he's cranky a lot when my dog is near him. he's jealous, i think. he doesn't like people getting close to his owner and stuff. he's not a bad dog, just sort of a whack job. i kinda feel sorry for him. he's lonely maybe. he's jealous. he needs understanding....."

"no. dat dog need you to fuck him up. give xanax. TWICE."

Friday, February 4, 2011


i just thought to write this post as i saw the name "sarah" on TV.

"sarah" was my 3rd name. 

first i was catherine ann, then i was virginia, then i was sarah, then i was jenny, then i was jeni.

ahhhh, the beauty foster care and adoption.  so heartwarming.  so "real".  so genuine. 

maybe my wonderful sense of humor is a result of such nurture, not nature.

pisses me off.

Monday, January 31, 2011

uh huh! you're SPOT ON, honey!

yeah, we all know how i feel about AP's in general.  but i have a few in my life that i actually like.  today i got a comment on my blog from an AP that was not just respectful, but shockingly sincere.  i KNOW, RIGHT???????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i was stunned!  anyway- here's part of it:

"...We all know that too many times adoption is NOT the result of genuine abandonment, but of coercion and abuse of pregnant women and natural mothers (SNIP) Does it still feel like abandonment to you?"

first things  MONSTER  mother was MORE than willing to rid herself of me.  she made that crystal clear on many occasions, reminding me repeatedly that she wanted to abort me all along.  when she birthed me, she couldn't be bothered to even give me a NO- she had no interest in even looking at me either.  she never held me.  she couldn't get me out of her sight fast enough.  she didn't "hand me over".....she just up and left the hospital and never looked back.  stupid wench.

anyway, i can't answer for ALL adoptees, but many have had similar situations, and still have similar feelings.  but i can tell you how *I* feel.

yes.  abandonment is a lifelong issue.  i believe it's a lot of why i've never been married, have no kids and have never lived with anyone before in a relationship.

the fear of being left is so overpowering, that no one and nothing can make it go away.  "leave before you get anyone else."  that's my lifelong motto.  i fuck up every relationship i've ever been in, so i can be SURE to break it off before anything too deep happens.

again, this is another thing that my parents couldn't have had any power over.  they did nothing to make me this way.  my brothers did nothing, nor did any single person...........EXCEPT HER.

my first mother.  she fucked me up for good.  permanently.  forever.  not fixable.  nor repairable.  not gonna change.  won't change.

when i say, "leave before you get left" i mean that i feel like i MUST leave in order to keep myself safe.  i don not believe i can survive being left by someone THAT significant again.  i don't want to try.  what she did scarred me for the rest of my existence.

i once questioned my facebook adoptee friends: "would you rather have been aborted, or lived this life as an adoptee?"  90% of the people who responded were absolutely certain they would rather have been aborted to live this pain of being an adoptee.

so in answer to the original question, and more......yes.  i will always feel abandoned until the day i die.  no matter who likes me, loves me, or just happens to give a small shit about me. 

i will NEVER recover from being abandoned.  never.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

what i wish

i don't know what i need. i don't know what i need to hear or feel or have.

all i know is that i am lost and i am AT a loss for how to explain this.

i need her to love me and she won't. i've been trying to get her to even acknowledge me for over 20 years, but that doesn't even matter to me.

all i care is if she would secretly love me.

i'm stuck. i'm sad. i'm frozen and i'm sick.

until she loves me back, even secretly, i am all of those things.

not only do i have zero intention of needing to changing those things, i actually feel that i would be doing a disservice to myself by acting as if they weren't my reality.

these feelings are my reality. i accept them somewhat. i know they're real. i hear them, and i feel them.

but in my heart, i must hold hope that she will one day love me, even in secret. i would relish her secret love......more than anything. i would relish it and care for it and hold it and love it.

i can't imagine her loving me. but i can hope. i have to hope.

i have nothing else to hold on to.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

the mama's. NOT the papa's.

oh my gawd, how i never, ever thought i could write a post like this.  i never intended it, i never wanted to, i never felt the need to, and i never thought any first mother deserved my time to be recognized.  NEVER!

i could never believe a mother cared about losing her child because MINE didn't.  she never gave a shit.  in fact, she'll tell you herself that she didn't give a shit.  want her phone number?????????  PM me and i'll gladly hand it over.  she'll tell you ALLLLLLLLLLLL about what an inconvenience i was.  but i digress........

i'm coming around a smidge.  don't you DARE try to push me along in this, because it might set me back ten million years.  but yes- i'm starting to believe there's a possibility that some mothers didn't actually hate their babies, want to abort them,, and or never think of them again.

give me a moment.  i can hardly believe i feel these things.

i wish my mother cared.  i wish she cared one tiny bit.  i wish she felt an ounce of what i felt when i held my nephew the first time.  i knew instantly that i would kill or die for that kid.

it was almost like he was really "real"!  like a real relative!!!!  it was overwhelming and unearthly and ungodly and weird and glorious and incredible!  i felt a strange attachment that i couldn't explain.

i think back now and i feel like he was so new to life that he didn't know any better than to accept me as family.  he didn't know "adoption".

i remember about 2 years ago in NY, my mom, brother, his wife, and my two nephews all worked at hope house for the holiday.  after, we went and had dinner together.

i said something in passing about my sister (bio) and my younger nephew was clearly dumbfounded.  he couldn't figure out who the hell i was talking about.  he doesn't think of me as adopted either, so my bio fam is a mystery to him too.

i hate the separation of families.  i hate the tip toeing.  i hate the anger i feel.  i hate the abandonment i know.  i can't tolerate the injustices that come with adoption.

none of this is fair.

mothers losing babies..........the only thing i can even relate to that is losing my animals.  they're really the only 'kids' i will ever know.  i don't have children.  as much as i would absolutely DIE to have a baby, it's not looking like it's going to happen.

babies losing mothers............i see the look in my dog's eyes when i leave her behind occasionally, and she looks broken.  i can't imagine......i can't fathom feeling that with a child.

and then there's being the child that lost the mother.  i'm the expert there.  and i'm a really good one.

there is a primal pain like no other when she leaves you.  whether or not she intended to, meant to, had to, needed to.....she still left you.

mine left me.  i am aware that i will not recover from her leaving me.  i do not WANT to recover from her leaving me.  if i could recover from such a primal wound, what does that make me????  NOT someone i want to know.

never recovering from her leaving me means one thing, and one thing only:  i love my mother more than anything in this life, and i can not and WILL not be OK until she loves me back.

even if it's just for one tiny moment.  just one moment.

"it bites"

that's how being adopted feels to me.  i don't like it.  it sucks.

i wish my mother was just my mother.  i wish my brothers were just my brothers.  i wish my father had just been my father. 

instead, the way it works with being adopted is that you wonder all the time when you're going to pull something that jacks it all up and you're gonna get 'sent back'.

it's NOTHING your parents put in your head (hopefully).  it's just in you.  it's natural. 

let's look at it this way:  your own creator abandoned you.  why the hell would it be any harder for someone not even related to abandon you?

there isn't anything your parents can do to fix it.  your brothers can't fix it.  your new grandparents can't fix it.  the community you become ingrained in can't fix it.  neither can church, girl scouts, neighbors, cousins, family pets.  nothing will ever fix what has been done: initial abandonment and the aftermath.

i have a new friend i really like a lot, and she's an AP.  she asked me in so many words last night, "is this feeling 'everyday', or does it come and go?" 

i told her that it's really always there, but i can get through a day without it shutting me down, but God forbid someone mentions the "A" word.  i lose my mind.  especially on the inside.  i can get pretty vocal about it when challenged, but i've gotten to the point where i prefer to think first, then decide what battles to pick.  some aren't worth my breath.

but the answer is a definite YES.  nearly every adoptee i have the pleasure of knowing feels quite the same, although there are slight tweaks here and there.

it's painful.  it's primal.  no, it doesn't go away.

why would it?  why should it?  if you lost a parent to cancer, do you just get over it?  if you have a stillborn child, do you forget?  if you watched your sister die of parkinsons do you just move on?  no. 

neither do adoptees.  we lost.  and no, we don't forget.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Yummy wishes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wish...........

i wish people could understand that the very simplicity of saying "there's no difference in being an adoptee" is like "there's no difference between being an arsonist or just lighting a match"

this shit KILLS me.

it haunts me. it haunts me


it doesn't leave. it doesn't get better. it doesn't go away.

it never changes. it won't ever leave my being.

it haunts me forever.

it haunts me.

it stays. WITH.ME.

it LIVES ON in ME. i can't move anywhere forward while i live with this inside me.

MY own physical creator/mother/incubator/whatever is the one who did THIS to ME.

...........SHE left ME.

and people wonder WHY adoptees suck at having relationships?

give me a break.