the mama's. NOT the papa's.

oh my gawd, how i never, ever thought i could write a post like this.  i never intended it, i never wanted to, i never felt the need to, and i never thought any first mother deserved my time to be recognized.  NEVER!

i could never believe a mother cared about losing her child because MINE didn't.  she never gave a shit.  in fact, she'll tell you herself that she didn't give a shit.  want her phone number?????????  PM me and i'll gladly hand it over.  she'll tell you ALLLLLLLLLLLL about what an inconvenience i was.  but i digress........

i'm coming around a smidge.  don't you DARE try to push me along in this, because it might set me back ten million years.  but yes- i'm starting to believe there's a possibility that some mothers didn't actually hate their babies, want to abort them,, and or never think of them again.

give me a moment.  i can hardly believe i feel these things.

i wish my mother cared.  i wish she cared one tiny bit.  i wish she felt an ounce of what i felt when i held my nephew the first time.  i knew instantly that i would kill or die for that kid.

it was almost like he was really "real"!  like a real relative!!!!  it was overwhelming and unearthly and ungodly and weird and glorious and incredible!  i felt a strange attachment that i couldn't explain.

i think back now and i feel like he was so new to life that he didn't know any better than to accept me as family.  he didn't know "adoption".

i remember about 2 years ago in NY, my mom, brother, his wife, and my two nephews all worked at hope house for the holiday.  after, we went and had dinner together.

i said something in passing about my sister (bio) and my younger nephew was clearly dumbfounded.  he couldn't figure out who the hell i was talking about.  he doesn't think of me as adopted either, so my bio fam is a mystery to him too.

i hate the separation of families.  i hate the tip toeing.  i hate the anger i feel.  i hate the abandonment i know.  i can't tolerate the injustices that come with adoption.

none of this is fair.

mothers losing babies..........the only thing i can even relate to that is losing my animals.  they're really the only 'kids' i will ever know.  i don't have children.  as much as i would absolutely DIE to have a baby, it's not looking like it's going to happen.

babies losing mothers............i see the look in my dog's eyes when i leave her behind occasionally, and she looks broken.  i can't imagine......i can't fathom feeling that with a child.

and then there's being the child that lost the mother.  i'm the expert there.  and i'm a really good one.

there is a primal pain like no other when she leaves you.  whether or not she intended to, meant to, had to, needed to.....she still left you.

mine left me.  i am aware that i will not recover from her leaving me.  i do not WANT to recover from her leaving me.  if i could recover from such a primal wound, what does that make me????  NOT someone i want to know.

never recovering from her leaving me means one thing, and one thing only:  i love my mother more than anything in this life, and i can not and WILL not be OK until she loves me back.

even if it's just for one tiny moment.  just one moment.