oh my gawd, how i never, ever thought i could write a post like this. i never intended it, i never wanted to, i never felt the need to, and i never thought any first mother deserved my time to be recognized. NEVER!
i could never believe a mother cared about losing her child because MINE didn't. she never gave a shit. in fact, she'll tell you herself that she didn't give a shit. want her phone number????????? PM me and i'll gladly hand it over. she'll tell you ALLLLLLLLLLLL about what an inconvenience i was. but i digress........
i'm coming around a smidge. don't you DARE try to push me along in this, because it might set me back ten million years. but yes- i'm starting to believe there's a possibility that some mothers didn't actually hate their babies, want to abort them,, and or never think of them again.
give me a moment. i can hardly believe i feel these things.
i wish my mother cared. i wish she cared one tiny bit. i wish she felt an ounce of what i felt when i held my nephew the first time. i knew instantly that i would kill or die for that kid.
it was almost like he was really "real"! like a real relative!!!! it was overwhelming and unearthly and ungodly and weird and glorious and incredible! i felt a strange attachment that i couldn't explain.
i think back now and i feel like he was so new to life that he didn't know any better than to accept me as family. he didn't know "adoption".
i remember about 2 years ago in NY, my mom, brother, his wife, and my two nephews all worked at hope house for the holiday. after, we went and had dinner together.
i said something in passing about my sister (bio) and my younger nephew was clearly dumbfounded. he couldn't figure out who the hell i was talking about. he doesn't think of me as adopted either, so my bio fam is a mystery to him too.
i hate the separation of families. i hate the tip toeing. i hate the anger i feel. i hate the abandonment i know. i can't tolerate the injustices that come with adoption.
none of this is fair.
mothers losing babies..........the only thing i can even relate to that is losing my animals. they're really the only 'kids' i will ever know. i don't have children. as much as i would absolutely DIE to have a baby, it's not looking like it's going to happen.
babies losing mothers............i see the look in my dog's eyes when i leave her behind occasionally, and she looks broken. i can't imagine......i can't fathom feeling that with a child.
and then there's being the child that lost the mother. i'm the expert there. and i'm a really good one.
there is a primal pain like no other when she leaves you. whether or not she intended to, meant to, had to, needed to.....she still left you.
mine left me. i am aware that i will not recover from her leaving me. i do not WANT to recover from her leaving me. if i could recover from such a primal wound, what does that make me???? NOT someone i want to know.
never recovering from her leaving me means one thing, and one thing only: i love my mother more than anything in this life, and i can not and WILL not be OK until she loves me back.
even if it's just for one tiny moment. just one moment.