"it bites"

that's how being adopted feels to me.  i don't like it.  it sucks.

i wish my mother was just my mother.  i wish my brothers were just my brothers.  i wish my father had just been my father. 

instead, the way it works with being adopted is that you wonder all the time when you're going to pull something that jacks it all up and you're gonna get 'sent back'.

it's NOTHING your parents put in your head (hopefully).  it's just in you.  it's natural. 

let's look at it this way:  your own creator abandoned you.  why the hell would it be any harder for someone not even related to abandon you?

there isn't anything your parents can do to fix it.  your brothers can't fix it.  your new grandparents can't fix it.  the community you become ingrained in can't fix it.  neither can church, girl scouts, neighbors, cousins, family pets.  nothing will ever fix what has been done: initial abandonment and the aftermath.

i have a new friend i really like a lot, and she's an AP.  she asked me in so many words last night, "is this feeling 'everyday', or does it come and go?" 

i told her that it's really always there, but i can get through a day without it shutting me down, but God forbid someone mentions the "A" word.  i lose my mind.  especially on the inside.  i can get pretty vocal about it when challenged, but i've gotten to the point where i prefer to think first, then decide what battles to pick.  some aren't worth my breath.

but the answer is a definite YES.  nearly every adoptee i have the pleasure of knowing feels quite the same, although there are slight tweaks here and there.

it's painful.  it's primal.  no, it doesn't go away.

why would it?  why should it?  if you lost a parent to cancer, do you just get over it?  if you have a stillborn child, do you forget?  if you watched your sister die of parkinsons do you just move on?  no. 

neither do adoptees.  we lost.  and no, we don't forget.