Monday, January 31, 2011

uh huh! you're SPOT ON, honey!

yeah, we all know how i feel about AP's in general.  but i have a few in my life that i actually like.  today i got a comment on my blog from an AP that was not just respectful, but shockingly sincere.  i KNOW, RIGHT???????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i was stunned!  anyway- here's part of it:

"...We all know that too many times adoption is NOT the result of genuine abandonment, but of coercion and abuse of pregnant women and natural mothers (SNIP) Does it still feel like abandonment to you?"

first things  MONSTER  mother was MORE than willing to rid herself of me.  she made that crystal clear on many occasions, reminding me repeatedly that she wanted to abort me all along.  when she birthed me, she couldn't be bothered to even give me a NO- she had no interest in even looking at me either.  she never held me.  she couldn't get me out of her sight fast enough.  she didn't "hand me over".....she just up and left the hospital and never looked back.  stupid wench.

anyway, i can't answer for ALL adoptees, but many have had similar situations, and still have similar feelings.  but i can tell you how *I* feel.

yes.  abandonment is a lifelong issue.  i believe it's a lot of why i've never been married, have no kids and have never lived with anyone before in a relationship.

the fear of being left is so overpowering, that no one and nothing can make it go away.  "leave before you get anyone else."  that's my lifelong motto.  i fuck up every relationship i've ever been in, so i can be SURE to break it off before anything too deep happens.

again, this is another thing that my parents couldn't have had any power over.  they did nothing to make me this way.  my brothers did nothing, nor did any single person...........EXCEPT HER.

my first mother.  she fucked me up for good.  permanently.  forever.  not fixable.  nor repairable.  not gonna change.  won't change.

when i say, "leave before you get left" i mean that i feel like i MUST leave in order to keep myself safe.  i don not believe i can survive being left by someone THAT significant again.  i don't want to try.  what she did scarred me for the rest of my existence.

i once questioned my facebook adoptee friends: "would you rather have been aborted, or lived this life as an adoptee?"  90% of the people who responded were absolutely certain they would rather have been aborted to live this pain of being an adoptee.

so in answer to the original question, and more......yes.  i will always feel abandoned until the day i die.  no matter who likes me, loves me, or just happens to give a small shit about me. 

i will NEVER recover from being abandoned.  never.


  1. It's always there. Always. And it sucks. Love you.

  2. Wow. This is a really good post Jeni. And I think that you do speak for a lot of us. My mother was very similar. Didn't hold me. Didn't name me. I don't know for sure whether that was her or because her mother was always right there insisting that she not attach to me. However, since our reunion almost 12 years ago she's done nothing to indicate that she wanted me then or wants me now. I feel your pain sweetheart. I love you...