Tuesday, April 5, 2011

holy krap with a "K".

my afternoon went like this:

(in a post on a support site i frequent)

"I think my shrink forgot my appointment.  I've been sitting in the waiting room since 3.  This is terrible bc I made this appt. last minute (this A.M. via email) and I felt like I was going to finally have the break through in therapy that I've waited my whole life for.  Omg.  I'm totally fucking devastated.  I'm just crushed.  Idk what to do.  I feel paralyzed, like I can not and do not want to go home.  I'm so lost. I left him a vm at 3:08.  Holy shit.  I don't know what to do.  The only obvious choice is (xyz)."

anyway...........it turned out to be an error on my part, but what it lead to was the best therapy session in.my.life. 

i went in with so much emotion, and so much weird "readiness"....i came clean about a LOT of stuff where abandonment issues are concerned, and i also let loose about some trauma related things that i've never told anyone before.

the best part was the absolute ease with which i changed my thought pattern.  i went from anger and panic to forgiveness and a clear and open mind and heart in two seconds (well, 5-7 minutes, maybe.)

in the past, i've tended to be a grudge holder i think.  i've hung onto things that really, truly needed to be let go.  it was so different this time.  it was incredibly effortless in a way....it didn't even occur to me to clutch onto my fear like i have done up until now.

being with (this therapist) carries a lot emotions with it.  apprehension, agony, even some disquiet.  i don't see those things as bad at all.  i see them as liberating, and stimulating and encouraging.

i'm so happy to have had this experience today.  everything about it has become so positive. 

and i SURVIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 3, 2011

moving through

something i learned a while back from my life coach was about moving through things.  not getting around them, or getting over them, but truly moving through them.  that's the only real way to get past some things.

it occurred to me the other day that i'm shifting.  my non-existent relationship with sally is, in reality, VERY much alive.  there are no discussions, no communication, no words of any sort.............well, not anymore.

i spent 20 years wondering about her, looking for her in every brown eyed woman, dreaming of her, wondering what country she was the princess of, or what hospital she was chief of staff for....

when we met, it was disastrous .  it was pain filled, hurtful, debilitating, gut wrenching and heart breaking.  her first words to me in this life were, "don't hug me."  her last words in this life were, "are you on drugs???  i should have aborted you."  and our last non verbal communication was when i once again sent her a note on facebook apologizing for whatever i had done wrong.  she immediately blocked me.

i believe i am finally in a place to make better choices where she is concerned.  i can not make her love me.  i can not make her communicate with me.  i can not make her acknowledge me.

in coming to this shift, i'm seeing it as likely one of the most freeing things i can do for myself.  letting her go.  it's time to let her go.

it's not easy, but it's better than the pain of being repeatedly rejected by her.  i'm open to her coming back into my life, but i'm not depending on it.

learning the hard way that i needed to move THROUGH this is what is allowing me to heal in many ways and areas of my life.

no longer do i cringe at the thought of being related to someone so cold and closed hearted.  now i appreciate that instead of being just like her, i have found the secret for my own healing.  for that- i'm grateful.