Sunday, April 3, 2011

moving through

something i learned a while back from my life coach was about moving through things.  not getting around them, or getting over them, but truly moving through them.  that's the only real way to get past some things.

it occurred to me the other day that i'm shifting.  my non-existent relationship with sally is, in reality, VERY much alive.  there are no discussions, no communication, no words of any sort.............well, not anymore.

i spent 20 years wondering about her, looking for her in every brown eyed woman, dreaming of her, wondering what country she was the princess of, or what hospital she was chief of staff for....

when we met, it was disastrous .  it was pain filled, hurtful, debilitating, gut wrenching and heart breaking.  her first words to me in this life were, "don't hug me."  her last words in this life were, "are you on drugs???  i should have aborted you."  and our last non verbal communication was when i once again sent her a note on facebook apologizing for whatever i had done wrong.  she immediately blocked me.

i believe i am finally in a place to make better choices where she is concerned.  i can not make her love me.  i can not make her communicate with me.  i can not make her acknowledge me.

in coming to this shift, i'm seeing it as likely one of the most freeing things i can do for myself.  letting her go.  it's time to let her go.

it's not easy, but it's better than the pain of being repeatedly rejected by her.  i'm open to her coming back into my life, but i'm not depending on it.

learning the hard way that i needed to move THROUGH this is what is allowing me to heal in many ways and areas of my life.

no longer do i cringe at the thought of being related to someone so cold and closed hearted.  now i appreciate that instead of being just like her, i have found the secret for my own healing.  for that- i'm grateful.

6 comments:

  1. Good for you Jeni! Nice post.

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  2. What an amazing breakthrough, taking charge of your own well-being, even in the face of such a primal wound.

    I am so proud of (and happy for) you!

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  3. God almighty, I don't know what to say except, I am sorry. Sorry for you, and sorry to for her for what she said, how she acted.

    Many many good thoughts to you today.

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  4. I am so happy for you, that you're finding liberation from what you cannot control, and freedom in what you can.

    Sally is a fool for not seeing what a gem you are. I almost feel sorry for her.

    Wishing you continued healing.

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  5. Yes, there is freedom in letting go. I am sorry that it couldn't have worked out the way you would have wanted it to. But that is on her. Sometimes all we can hope for is peace.

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  6. Moving through...really speaks to me. It is hard for adoptees to move through because we are conditioned to deny our own reality and feelings in an amended life. Such a hard journey to learn "moving through"...so thankful for friends who understand together and care. Hugs!

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