Saturday, May 21, 2011

how am i feeling today.....hmmmmm

well, to be honest, i was feeling pretty good.  got lots done in the yard, the patio and the front room in preparation for gracie's 7th birthday party.  there's a little house on the prairie marathon, and it doesn't get much better than that, right?!!!!????

i wandered over to my adult adoptee support site to see what was new.  someone posted a new topic that led to a link regarding the cost of building a family.  the question was directed to adoptive parents.  it included treatments, home studies, international travel, failed adoptions, etc.

to be honest, the topic makes me sick, sad, angry, worthless, less-than, depressed, hopeless, ugly, terrible, fat (why not?) and like i have no business living on earth, unless it's to satisfy the desires of an adopter who was childless, and just didn't want to be.

i feel all of those things because sally instilled them in me time and time again.  my parents certainly never did, but when your very own creator tells you they would gladly have aborted you.....and they LOVE to tell that to you again and again and start to believe it.

if my own mother thinks that way of me, of course i will think that way to an extent.

something not uncommon between adoptees is to go around a circle (or on facebook) and declare what the bill of sale says you were bought for.  99% of us either have the bill of sale or our parents have told us the price.

if you are a human fucking being, it matters NOT about infertility costs, international travel tickets, failed adoptions.....we DO NOT FUCKING CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU LOST.

the absolute pain of knowing that there even IS such a thing as a price tag on my head hurts my core.  it pains my very soul. 

the agony is marrow deep.....and to not have this type of reaction would make me sub-human.  i already feel "less-than".  i don't need to feel any worse.

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by June 21.

Friday, May 6, 2011

she's still mine.

within a period of 12 hours, two people said to me, "aren't you glad you weren't raised by sally??????????"

how would i know?  i can't know.  but what i CAN tell you is that you're making a big fat mistake by dissing her.  big mistake.  big, big, big.

only *I* am allowed to hate her, or talk shit about her.  no one else is allowed to talk smack about my n-mother but ME.

and no matter how many times i bitch and moan and scream and freak out about what a COMPLETE fucking idiot she is and how much i HATE her.........

remember this: she is still my mother. do not disrepect her. do not bad mouth her. do not tell me i'm better off without her.

do not stop me from trying to chase after her, or i'll just do it behind your back. do not try to stop me from thinking about her. you won't. do not discourage me from daydreaming about her. you can't. do not tell me i shouldn't have searched for her, and above all, do not tell me to let it go.... because i will hang on anyway, and if you fight me on this, you WILL lose. i promise.