Saturday, May 21, 2011

how am i feeling today.....hmmmmm

well, to be honest, i was feeling pretty good.  got lots done in the yard, the patio and the front room in preparation for gracie's 7th birthday party.  there's a little house on the prairie marathon, and it doesn't get much better than that, right?!!!!????

i wandered over to my adult adoptee support site to see what was new.  someone posted a new topic that led to a link regarding the cost of building a family.  the question was directed to adoptive parents.  it included treatments, home studies, international travel, failed adoptions, etc.

to be honest, the topic makes me sick, sad, angry, worthless, less-than, depressed, hopeless, ugly, terrible, fat (why not?) and like i have no business living on earth, unless it's to satisfy the desires of an adopter who was childless, and just didn't want to be.

i feel all of those things because sally instilled them in me time and time again.  my parents certainly never did, but when your very own creator tells you they would gladly have aborted you.....and they LOVE to tell that to you again and again and start to believe it.

if my own mother thinks that way of me, of course i will think that way to an extent.

something not uncommon between adoptees is to go around a circle (or on facebook) and declare what the bill of sale says you were bought for.  99% of us either have the bill of sale or our parents have told us the price.

if you are a human fucking being, it matters NOT about infertility costs, international travel tickets, failed adoptions.....we DO NOT FUCKING CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU LOST.

the absolute pain of knowing that there even IS such a thing as a price tag on my head hurts my core.  it pains my very soul. 

the agony is marrow deep.....and to not have this type of reaction would make me sub-human.  i already feel "less-than".  i don't need to feel any worse.

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by June 21.


  1. You're not worthless or less than anything. I love you and so do lots of others. I know that doesn't make up for what you've lost, but I hope it gives you just a little bit of peace.

  2. Well, that super sucks that Sally felt that and told you that.

    What I heard a lot of the people saying, those who had endured infertility and ended up with a pregnancy or a child via adoption, was that the $$ were for services, not for a person. Even people who don't adopt have costs associated with bringing a baby into the world. But insurance covers most of it and they don't see all the zeros.

    Your viewpoint here is important, jgf, as it gets to the heart of what Claudia was saying in the post on billboard advertising. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here.

    And I wish Sally had never said that to you. She's really missed out on someone special.

  3. well, as an adoptee, what i hear is "you cost xyz dollars."

    to be a coldhearted bitch about it, the bottom line is that i couldn't care less about a woman's infertility treatments or plane fares. in the end, a human being is the final product.

    i am one of those final products. therefore, i was purchased. the end.

  4. Thank you for your voice JGF.

    Lavender, paying to adopt a child is a lot different than paying your hospital bill after giving birth. Adoption involves a whole 'nother family and their loss--likely largely due to issues of class and money. The only comparison there is with adoption and with giving birth in regards to this topic is if one were to look at it from one side only and ignore the adoptee and original family's reality in the same equation.

    In adoption, it's not just about the family that was's about the one that fell apart too.

    A biologically raised person does not sit and wonder "why am I here and not there?"

    But we do. And when money is part of the answer to that question, it never feels good.

    And that's why there's just no comparison.