Friday, May 6, 2011

she's still mine.

within a period of 12 hours, two people said to me, "aren't you glad you weren't raised by sally??????????"

how would i know?  i can't know.  but what i CAN tell you is that you're making a big fat mistake by dissing her.  big mistake.  big, big, big.

only *I* am allowed to hate her, or talk shit about her.  no one else is allowed to talk smack about my n-mother but ME.

and no matter how many times i bitch and moan and scream and freak out about what a COMPLETE fucking idiot she is and how much i HATE her.........

remember this: she is still my mother. do not disrepect her. do not bad mouth her. do not tell me i'm better off without her.

do not stop me from trying to chase after her, or i'll just do it behind your back. do not try to stop me from thinking about her. you won't. do not discourage me from daydreaming about her. you can't. do not tell me i shouldn't have searched for her, and above all, do not tell me to let it go.... because i will hang on anyway, and if you fight me on this, you WILL lose. i promise.


  1. OK. Then I'll say this:

    "Aren't you glad you weren't raised by ME?"


    Seriously, I have nothing to diss your mother about except her behavior toward you. She must have many many redeeming qualities because YOU do.

  2. The things some people think are OK to ask and say to adoptees are just downright cruel.

  3. AMEN!

    I know my natural mother is a bit of a kook. You don't need to remind me, and you don't need to make me feel like shit for talking to her. I've got it under control. And if I don't- thats MY problem.

    Awesome post :)

  4. Fair enough Jen. I apologise if I said anything in the past that has come across as dissing her. My aim was not to diss her so much as what she has DONE to you.

    But I do understand and yes she is still your mother... I just wish she would see how fabulous you are!!!

    Praying and hoping things will change for you and her!

    ((((Hugs)))) Jeni. Love you xxx

  5. See, I would totally get that! My daughter encourages people to diss me! I would kill for someone that defended me.... no matter what.

  6. Hi. I just wanted to stop by and tell you that I've read through your blog. I'm blown away and deeply touched by your honesty and raw emotions. It pains me to read of your desperate fight to feel loved by your biological mother.

    Had I stopped by your blog a couple of years ago, I probably wouldn't have felt the same. After reading countless stories such as yours, I have changed my mind about adoption. I am not adopted myself, but my life is surrounded by this issue. My mother gave up my older hald-sister to adoption some 44 years ago. My sister gave up two babies - one when she was 15, the other at 17, and finally my youngest sister is adopted (by my father and his wife).

    I used to wonder how my younger sister turned out the way she did. She was loved and cherished more than my other sister and I, and yet she has so many problems and issues that I never understood. I guess I just thought she was spoiled. But in reality, it goes beyond any of that. It's like she was cut from a different cloth.

    And she was.

    Extensive research into this has led to a deeper understanding that it is just unrealistic to expect someone else of entirely different DNA makeup, different temperament, and different emotional threshholds to raise another's child. This understanding also became much more profound after I had my daughter. I can literally anticipate her needs with a strange 6th sense. I can crawl into her mind and actually know what she is thinking and feeling at any given moment & respond accordingly. How could an adoptive mother do this? She can love a baby, yes...but "feel" her and intimately "know" her? I don't think so.

    To imagine someone else raising my very sensitive daughter breaks my heart. She would have been lost and her deepest needs would not have been met. And then to imagine you as an infant. I suspect your temperament was much like my daughter's. Very sensitive, very vulnerable to separation, highly stressed, and has a very cautious approach to life. I have met this temperament with a saturation of love and acceptance. I have never left her (for she screams uncontrollably), despite "experts" telling me otherwise, and I let her approach things on her own terms with gentle encouragement. This has resulted in a very confident toddler who relishes in her indpendence and is probably the happiest child I have ever seen (no mommy bias here, of course!)

    My point being, absent my sensitive approach to my daughter I know so intimately, she would have been broken by the slightest unmet need - I am sure of it. And you remind me so much of my daughter. You so much deserved to have your mother touch and hold you and guide you with loving, gentle hands throughout your formative, exploring years.

    And you still deserve it.

    It seems that your biological mother is broken herself. To invalidate her own child who is screaming for love and acceptance. My hope and meditative prayers are that she some day will give you the love that is your birthright.

    My thoughts and love to you.

  7. Ah darling Jeni, I would never discourage you from chasing your mother, nor would I dis her. (and if I ever have it was not intentional) I do however hate how she has treated you. I wish it were different for you, I wish it more than anything. I love you Jeni-