holy krap with a "K".

my afternoon went like this:

(in a post on a support site i frequent)

"I think my shrink forgot my appointment.  I've been sitting in the waiting room since 3.  This is terrible bc I made this appt. last minute (this A.M. via email) and I felt like I was going to finally have the break through in therapy that I've waited my whole life for.  Omg.  I'm totally fucking devastated.  I'm just crushed.  Idk what to do.  I feel paralyzed, like I can not and do not want to go home.  I'm so lost. I left him a vm at 3:08.  Holy shit.  I don't know what to do.  The only obvious choice is (xyz)."

anyway...........it turned out to be an error on my part, but what it lead to was the best therapy session in.my.life. 

i went in with so much emotion, and so much weird "readiness"....i came clean about a LOT of stuff where abandonment issues are concerned, and i also let loose about some trauma related things that i've never told anyone before.

the best part was the absolute ease with which i changed my thought pattern.  i went from anger and panic to forgiveness and a clear and open mind and heart in two seconds (well, 5-7 minutes, maybe.)

in the past, i've tended to be a grudge holder i think.  i've hung onto things that really, truly needed to be let go.  it was so different this time.  it was incredibly effortless in a way....it didn't even occur to me to clutch onto my fear like i have done up until now.

being with (this therapist) carries a lot emotions with it.  apprehension, agony, even some disquiet.  i don't see those things as bad at all.  i see them as liberating, and stimulating and encouraging.

i'm so happy to have had this experience today.  everything about it has become so positive. 

and i SURVIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!