Thursday, January 27, 2011

what i wish

i don't know what i need. i don't know what i need to hear or feel or have.

all i know is that i am lost and i am AT a loss for how to explain this.

i need her to love me and she won't. i've been trying to get her to even acknowledge me for over 20 years, but that doesn't even matter to me.

all i care is if she would secretly love me.

i'm stuck. i'm sad. i'm frozen and i'm sick.

until she loves me back, even secretly, i am all of those things.

not only do i have zero intention of needing to changing those things, i actually feel that i would be doing a disservice to myself by acting as if they weren't my reality.

these feelings are my reality. i accept them somewhat. i know they're real. i hear them, and i feel them.

but in my heart, i must hold hope that she will one day love me, even in secret. i would relish her secret love......more than anything. i would relish it and care for it and hold it and love it.

i can't imagine her loving me. but i can hope. i have to hope.

i have nothing else to hold on to.


  1. Keep hoping. It's powerful. (((Jeni)))

  2. Beautifully said Jeni..I want u to know I care how u feel, and Im glad u share what ur going thru....

  3. I've always considered you so tough and strong. I've admired you for that trait hoping that I could be more like that. Thank you for making me feel ok with myself for how I feel, after 12 years of denial from my bio mother. This "ache" for acceptance, no matter how many years pass, no matter who is in our lives, still leaves a huge "hole" left by our very own biological parents and can not be filled by anyone else is felt by many others. Thank you for opening up and allowing me to feel "ok" with what I feel. So many others want me to live in denial...I refuse. Much love Jeni.

  4. Your blog is powerful. I'm glad you are opening up and sharing your feelings, thoughts, experiences...your path. All these people walking around slurping on the adoption kool-aid of rainbow farting unicorns need and must know all our truths. THE TRUTH.
    My heart aches for you. Though some 1stmothers are resistent at first due to the shame & self loathing they've held for so long (not to mention all the emotions they've stuffed down deep that start to bubble forth)...I can't imagine any mother not being ecstatically happy to finally have her child back in her life and her arms!
    I'm a 1stmom and nothing has healed me more or made life more worth the journey than reuniting with my daughter. NOTHING comes close to this...except maybe giving birth to her in the first place.
    I hope your mother will snap out of it. For both your sakes.

    In the meantime, live your life, get the support and healing you need (though you will never be fully healed, I know) and make your life YOURS. Take back your power.
    hugs and good luck to you!