i had left my front door open, waiting. she walked in. i was standing about five feet away with my fists clenched by either cheek and a nervous grin on my face.
i slowly stepped toward her and relaxed my arms. her first words to me, "don't hug me." hmmmm. odd, no? oh well, maybe she was just in shock. i certainly was, because i was the absolute image of her from head to toe. it was almost uncomfortably shocking. i didn't know how to look like someone. i was used to looking like NO ONE at all.
"that hair really throws me off." hmmm. weird. actually, i was pissed that she said that to me, but i was busy trying to fall in love, so i let it go.
as we moved to the living room to sit down, i noticed we walked alike. she even touched her own hair like i touched mine, with a strange trepidation, as if the "poof" of it would become explosive if we messed with it.
as we sat together, she showed me a big bag of pictures from her childhood, all the way through her present marriage. we looked for hours on end. to be honest, after a while i started to get a little antsy. didn't she want to know anything about me or see any pictures of mine?
in those few hours, she said some of the coldest, most rude things to me, but again- i was busy trying to be happy and grateful to have her RIGHT there.
"so why did you give me away??"
"well, mainly because i didn't want you. what i really wanted was an abortion."
holy shit. did she really just say that to me??????????? are you shitting me???
"but you had me, so didn't you change your mind at all once you saw me? isn't it like in the movies, when the lady sees her baby and her whole life changes???? she falls in love with her kid and will do anything to protect her baby. didn't that happen?? didn't you feel any of that stuff??"
"um, no. i never wanted to look at you. i had zero intention of keeping you, so why would i look at you? my mother looked at you and she tried to make me look, but i just didn't have it in me. i didn't want you before, and i didn't want you after."
what happened next will never leave my memory...............as much as i pray for it to go..............