Saturday, October 1, 2011

finding her, part 5

i had left my front door open, waiting.  she walked in.  i was standing about five feet away with my fists clenched by either cheek and a nervous grin on my face.

i slowly stepped toward her and relaxed my arms.  her first words to me, "don't hug me."  hmmmm.  odd, no?  oh well, maybe she was just in shock.  i certainly was, because i was the absolute image of her from head to toe.  it was almost uncomfortably shocking.  i didn't know how to look like someone.  i was used to looking like NO ONE at all.

"that hair really throws me off."  hmmm.  weird.  actually, i was pissed that she said that to me, but i was busy trying to fall in love, so i let it go.

as we moved to the living room to sit down, i noticed we walked alike.  she even touched her own hair like i touched mine, with a strange trepidation, as if the "poof" of it would become explosive if we messed with it.

as we sat together, she showed me a big bag of pictures from her childhood, all the way through her present marriage.  we looked for hours on end.  to be honest, after a while i started to get a little antsy.  didn't she want to know anything about me or see any pictures of mine?

in those few hours, she said some of the coldest, most rude things to me, but again- i was busy trying to be happy and grateful to have her RIGHT there.

"so why did you give me away??"

"well, mainly because i didn't want you.  what i really wanted was an abortion."

holy shit.  did she really just say that to me???????????  are you shitting me???

"but you had me, so didn't you change your mind at all once you saw me?  isn't it like in the movies, when the lady sees her baby and her whole life changes????  she falls in love with her kid and will do anything to protect her baby.  didn't that happen??  didn't you feel any of that stuff??"

"um, no.  i never wanted to look at you.  i had zero intention of keeping you, so why would i look at you?  my mother looked at you and she tried to make me look, but i just didn't have it in me.  i didn't want you before, and i didn't want you after."

what happened next will never leave my much as i pray for it to go..............


  1. Oh, no no no. No child should ever have to hear this. No mother should ever say or feel this:

    "well, mainly because i didn't want you. what i really wanted was an abortion."

    Oh, Jeni.

    Just last night I was reading Jennifer Lauck's reunion in "Found" and there are so many similarities between yours and hers.

    Oh, Jeni. Bug hug. I'm so grateful you were born and you came into my life.

  2. Dear Jeni .. every time I read your blog I am at a loss for words. My heart hurts for you and I wish I could reach out and give you a big, long hug. I want to say something supportive, to help you feel better, but I don't know if that's possible. Seems that only one person would be able to do that, if she chose to.

    I believe that deep in her heart, there were feelings for you, but she lacks empathy. She is consumed in herself. When she said what she did about the pregnancy .. she is only thinking of herself. I believe she is wishing she could've avoided the pain and discomfort she felt. If she truly didn't care .. I don't believe she would've met with you and gone through pictures for hours. She has to be mentally ill. For anyone to say the things she did to you .. she would have to be. I am not trying to speak badly of her .. I know how you feel about that. I am speaking from experience with my mom. I KNOW that she loves me, but for whatever reason she cannot prevent or control herself from being emotionally abusive and tortures me. I took her to my therapist and we clearly and politely explained that she may believe that how she was acting was right, but that she was HURTING me and it needed to change. The door didn't even close behind us as we left the room and she started where she left off .. as if she never heard a single thing that had been said. I can't reason with the insanity and it boggles my mind and I know it hurts like hell. I will live with this pain and void in my heart, because I cannot change it or have her in my life either.

    I don't know if any of this helps, and I definitely hope I haven't said anything that has offended you. I believe you have a heart of gold and an amazing spirit. I care about you so much and I am so glad to be friends. Love you Jeni! <3

  3. This is Brilliant and Chilling and Powerl- You should Op-Ed this and there are many places you can do that: many venues as well. I wouldn't change a word.- What an authentic Whap- uppercut to the jaw this would be on some group of unsuspecting readers.

  4. My mom is a narcissist and told me she never wanted to be a mother and only had children to keep my rich dad from leaving her. I spent many years trying to please her and tryin to understand why she rejected me when my father died and after much pain and time, I finally let it go. I don't want to have a relationship with her and now she does with me. I am not interested at all. I am not angry with her.... For that would harm only me.... But I a just not interested. She is mentally Ill. Something inside of her is broken. I actually feel sorry for her. I feel the same way about your mom. Something is horribly wrong inside. I pray for you to find the acceptance and understanding that you deserve. She doesn't deserve the energy it takes to hurt about her. Try thinking about it from Thant angle. Love you.