finding her, part 3

i was sitting at my desk at the radio station one night when all of a sudden my phone rang.

"hi jeni, this is xyz....." (one of the people working with sandy).  "we've found your mother."  i'm sure his announcement was met with silence on my end for nearly a minute. 

"you WHAT???????????"  what he was telling me was simply not possible.  it had to be a mistake.  he could never find her, because i had already tried hard enough, and if my will alone wasn't adequate, nothing else would be, or should be.

"can you hold on for one second?"  i put the phone down and shut my office door so i could freak out with this guy in private.  i ran back to my desk, picked the phone back up, "you've GOT to be shitting me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  you found my MOTHER!???????" 

and just like that- POOF.  investigator man was gone.  "hello???  hello???  HELLO??????????????????"  nothing.

i waited in my office for at least 2 hours for him to call back.  instinctively, i knew he had hung up for safety reasons.....like wiretapping or something else that could get his cover blown.  if that happened, he would never be able to help another adoptee.  the sealed records are sealed for a reason, and no one in NY has ever had that ruling overturned.  not once.

finally i decided to leave for home, even though every fiber of my being knew i would miss his call back while in transit-- such a big part of me wanted to sleep under my desk at work and wait for the phone to ring again.

i got in my car and raced home anyway.  once there, i grilled my four roommates- "did anyone call me?  anyone?  did this phone ring in the last 45 minutes?  has anyone at all called here looking for me?" 

not one phone call.  not even a wrong number. 

i felt deflated, devastated and like my mother had been right there in my hands and i let her slip away.  she was gone again.  gone.