Friday, October 7, 2011

falling away..........

i recently had a birthday which always leads me to thinking about sally (my original mother).  i mentioned her on facebook a couple of times, "i wish she would just try to know me......"  this led my friend to ask if she could contact sally for me and ask her for a relationship.  even just writing to each other once a year.

in turn, sally stalked my friend on google, obtained her phone number, proceeded to call her at 10PM and rip her a new one.  she told my friend that the door to our relationship was closed and that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.  she went on to tell my friend that i had her 'duped' her into thinking i was a nice person.  that i surely had her fooled.

sally's one request?  to be notified of my death via email.

i've often wondered and expressed aloud, "how in the world did i come from such a person??"  it breaks my heart to be related to someone that can be so cold.  it also drives me nuts when people constantly tell me to "get over it".  it's NOT that simple, and unless you have walked in my reeboks, you have no say.

in the days following the exchange between sally and my friend, i've felt a flux between anger, sadness, disgust and a new one: relief.

this latest demonstration of her never ending grudge finally sort of settled into me differently.  once the rage wore off, i started to care less about my desire and desperate need for her to love me.  i finally realized that i don't need her to approve of me in order to make a good life for myself. 

i didn't need her love to become a winning figure skater, a good ballet dancer, a talented water skier, or a Spelman grad.  i don't need her now to be a great shelter chef, an excellent japanese interpreter, or an advocate for my homeless friends.

i can become whatever and whoever i need and want to be without her.  i can do anything and everything without her.  i truly wanted to do all of it with her, but that wasn't meant to be.

so now, after a lot of soul searching, i feel ready to allow her to "fall away" from me.  i'm looking forward to enjoying this new freedom from a constantly wounded soul that is now finally becoming free........


  1. Big hugs, big squishy hugs!! I know that doesn't help much, but I do hope your First Mother will one day realize how lucky she really is that her First Daughter wants a relationship.

    More hugs!!

  2. Today over at Brave Girls Club, they had this letter posted:

    In part it says, "Dear Beautiful Girl,

    What are you willing to let go of today? Life is so much about knowing what to hold on to, and what to let go of...and having faith that t will all work out in the end...We've all got to let go of old habits, old situations, old behaviors, and sometimes even old relationships to make room for what is meant for the next part of our lives..."

    Be brave. Listen to your heart.

    You are truly a beautiful woman and I am so sorry your first mother is so broken that she doesn't want to know you.

  3. "Sally" does not define who you are, not even a little. You are a beautiful soul and a remarkable human being. It makes my heart so happy to read this post above. I know it must be .... I cannot even find the right word.... "horrific" to have this baggage to deal with but she is not worth it. She gave you life and for that you should be grateful to her but it really ends there. Don't let your anger at her cloud the rest of your life. She is not worth it. Look at it this way.... She did you one hell of a favor by stepping out of your way... So that you could become the person that she will never be able to be. I don't want to say it is her loss that she doesn't get the chance to know you.,, i want to color it a different way, it is YOUR gain. Not her loss. She doesn't matter anymore and to spend time thinking about her misfortune of mot getting to know you us a waste of time. I am just glad you escaped the nightmare of having to have a person like that raise you. Make sense? Love you girl......

  4. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Finding this acceptance proves how strong and you are.


  5. I think it's interesting that while Sally seems to not care, she also stalks your friend on FB and goes out of her way to say horrible things that you'll get wind of. Sounds to me like she cares a lot more than she wants to, in spite of herself.

    I also find her narcissistic. What kind of person assumes she'll outlive the younger generation?

    But this isn't really about Sally. This is about you and your growth and your plugging into YOURSELF as the source of your happiness and fulfillment.

    Bravo, Jeni. I am on the sidelines cheering madly for you. You are my hero.

  6. Hugs Jeni...

    No - you don't need her. Look at all those things you accomplished in your life! It's totally her loss... and honestly, I think she's just jealous that she could never be as good as you.