i recently had a birthday which always leads me to thinking about sally (my original mother). i mentioned her on facebook a couple of times, "i wish she would just try to know me......" this led my friend to ask if she could contact sally for me and ask her for a relationship. even just writing to each other once a year.
in turn, sally stalked my friend on google, obtained her phone number, proceeded to call her at 10PM and rip her a new one. she told my friend that the door to our relationship was closed and that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. she went on to tell my friend that i had her 'duped' her into thinking i was a nice person. that i surely had her fooled.
sally's one request? to be notified of my death via email.
i've often wondered and expressed aloud, "how in the world did i come from such a person??" it breaks my heart to be related to someone that can be so cold. it also drives me nuts when people constantly tell me to "get over it". it's NOT that simple, and unless you have walked in my reeboks, you have no say.
in the days following the exchange between sally and my friend, i've felt a flux between anger, sadness, disgust and a new one: relief.
this latest demonstration of her never ending grudge finally sort of settled into me differently. once the rage wore off, i started to care less about my desire and desperate need for her to love me. i finally realized that i don't need her to approve of me in order to make a good life for myself.
i didn't need her love to become a winning figure skater, a good ballet dancer, a talented water skier, or a Spelman grad. i don't need her now to be a great shelter chef, an excellent japanese interpreter, or an advocate for my homeless friends.
i can become whatever and whoever i need and want to be without her. i can do anything and everything without her. i truly wanted to do all of it with her, but that wasn't meant to be.
so now, after a lot of soul searching, i feel ready to allow her to "fall away" from me. i'm looking forward to enjoying this new freedom from a constantly wounded soul that is now finally becoming free........