so painful. so triggering.
tonight, i went to a volunteer dinner for hope house. it was at a church and we were in the auditorium type room.
it was all long tables and i turned around to glance at a table near us and this lady was looking at me.
a few minutes later, the speaker was doing her thing, so i turned around again to look and the same lady was looking at me.
people started getting in line for the buffet and i turned to see who was next and the lady was looking at me again.,
omg, you know what i went to each time in my head?
that same fucking thing from when i was a kid. trying to look pretty enough, good enough, confident enough, strong enough, perfect posture enough, good smile enough, well liked enough...,,
............because she MIGHT be my mother, looking for me.
I think having a phantom-mother must be very difficult and energy-sucking.
ReplyDeleteTwo years into reunion and know my daughter is grown up and living over 1000 miles away and I still catch myself looking for her in the faces of children. I get it and I'm sorry you're still going through it:-<
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely. Forty-two years old and I still do this.
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