Wednesday, June 22, 2011

May 08, 2008

so painful.  so triggering.

tonight, i went to a volunteer dinner for hope house.  it was at a church and we were in the auditorium type room. 

it was all long tables and i turned around to glance at a table near us and this lady was looking at me.

a few minutes later, the speaker was doing her thing, so i turned around again to look and the same lady was looking at me.

people started getting in line for the buffet and i turned to see who was next and the lady was looking at me again.,

omg, you know what i went to each time in my head?

that same fucking thing from when i was a kid.  trying to look pretty enough, good enough, confident enough, strong enough, perfect posture enough, good smile enough, well liked enough...,,

............because she MIGHT be my mother, looking for me.


  1. I think having a phantom-mother must be very difficult and energy-sucking.

  2. Two years into reunion and know my daughter is grown up and living over 1000 miles away and I still catch myself looking for her in the faces of children. I get it and I'm sorry you're still going through it:-<

  3. Absolutely. Forty-two years old and I still do this.