how am i feeling today.....hmmmmm

well, to be honest, i was feeling pretty good.  got lots done in the yard, the patio and the front room in preparation for gracie's 7th birthday party.  there's a little house on the prairie marathon, and it doesn't get much better than that, right?!!!!????

i wandered over to my adult adoptee support site to see what was new.  someone posted a new topic that led to a link regarding the cost of building a family.  the question was directed to adoptive parents.  it included treatments, home studies, international travel, failed adoptions, etc.

to be honest, the topic makes me sick, sad, angry, worthless, less-than, depressed, hopeless, ugly, terrible, fat (why not?) and like i have no business living on earth, unless it's to satisfy the desires of an adopter who was childless, and just didn't want to be.

i feel all of those things because sally instilled them in me time and time again.  my parents certainly never did, but when your very own creator tells you they would gladly have aborted you.....and they LOVE to tell that to you again and again and again.....you start to believe it.

if my own mother thinks that way of me, of course i will think that way to an extent.

something not uncommon between adoptees is to go around a circle (or on facebook) and declare what the bill of sale says you were bought for.  99% of us either have the bill of sale or our parents have told us the price.

if you are a human fucking being, it matters NOT about infertility costs, international travel tickets, failed adoptions.....we DO NOT FUCKING CARE HOW MUCH MONEY YOU LOST.

the absolute pain of knowing that there even IS such a thing as a price tag on my head hurts my core.  it pains my very soul. 

the agony is marrow deep.....and to not have this type of reaction would make me sub-human.  i already feel "less-than".  i don't need to feel any worse.

Visit Write Mind Open Heart for more perspectives on the Dollars and $ense of Family Building and to add your own link to the blog hop by June 21.

she's still mine.

within a period of 12 hours, two people said to me, "aren't you glad you weren't raised by sally??????????"

how would i know?  i can't know.  but what i CAN tell you is that you're making a big fat mistake by dissing her.  big mistake.  big, big, big.

only *I* am allowed to hate her, or talk shit about her.  no one else is allowed to talk smack about my n-mother but ME.

and no matter how many times i bitch and moan and scream and freak out about what a COMPLETE fucking idiot she is and how much i HATE her.........

remember this: she is still my mother. do not disrepect her. do not bad mouth her. do not tell me i'm better off without her.

do not stop me from trying to chase after her, or i'll just do it behind your back. do not try to stop me from thinking about her. you won't. do not discourage me from daydreaming about her. you can't. do not tell me i shouldn't have searched for her, and above all, do not tell me to let it go.... because i will hang on anyway, and if you fight me on this, you WILL lose. i promise.

holy krap with a "K".

my afternoon went like this:

(in a post on a support site i frequent)

"I think my shrink forgot my appointment.  I've been sitting in the waiting room since 3.  This is terrible bc I made this appt. last minute (this A.M. via email) and I felt like I was going to finally have the break through in therapy that I've waited my whole life for.  Omg.  I'm totally fucking devastated.  I'm just crushed.  Idk what to do.  I feel paralyzed, like I can not and do not want to go home.  I'm so lost. I left him a vm at 3:08.  Holy shit.  I don't know what to do.  The only obvious choice is (xyz)."

anyway...........it turned out to be an error on my part, but what it lead to was the best therapy session in.my.life. 

i went in with so much emotion, and so much weird "readiness"....i came clean about a LOT of stuff where abandonment issues are concerned, and i also let loose about some trauma related things that i've never told anyone before.

the best part was the absolute ease with which i changed my thought pattern.  i went from anger and panic to forgiveness and a clear and open mind and heart in two seconds (well, 5-7 minutes, maybe.)

in the past, i've tended to be a grudge holder i think.  i've hung onto things that really, truly needed to be let go.  it was so different this time.  it was incredibly effortless in a way....it didn't even occur to me to clutch onto my fear like i have done up until now.

being with (this therapist) carries a lot emotions with it.  apprehension, agony, even some disquiet.  i don't see those things as bad at all.  i see them as liberating, and stimulating and encouraging.

i'm so happy to have had this experience today.  everything about it has become so positive. 

and i SURVIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

moving through

something i learned a while back from my life coach was about moving through things.  not getting around them, or getting over them, but truly moving through them.  that's the only real way to get past some things.

it occurred to me the other day that i'm shifting.  my non-existent relationship with sally is, in reality, VERY much alive.  there are no discussions, no communication, no words of any sort.............well, not anymore.

i spent 20 years wondering about her, looking for her in every brown eyed woman, dreaming of her, wondering what country she was the princess of, or what hospital she was chief of staff for....

when we met, it was disastrous .  it was pain filled, hurtful, debilitating, gut wrenching and heart breaking.  her first words to me in this life were, "don't hug me."  her last words in this life were, "are you on drugs???  i should have aborted you."  and our last non verbal communication was when i once again sent her a note on facebook apologizing for whatever i had done wrong.  she immediately blocked me.

i believe i am finally in a place to make better choices where she is concerned.  i can not make her love me.  i can not make her communicate with me.  i can not make her acknowledge me.

in coming to this shift, i'm seeing it as likely one of the most freeing things i can do for myself.  letting her go.  it's time to let her go.

it's not easy, but it's better than the pain of being repeatedly rejected by her.  i'm open to her coming back into my life, but i'm not depending on it.

learning the hard way that i needed to move THROUGH this is what is allowing me to heal in many ways and areas of my life.

no longer do i cringe at the thought of being related to someone so cold and closed hearted.  now i appreciate that instead of being just like her, i have found the secret for my own healing.  for that- i'm grateful.

the nail lady

i went in to get my nail fixed today.

"wha happen you tum?"

"my thumb- oh. the dog bit me."

"oh no. dog bite it??"

"yeah, man."

"what wrong with dat dog??"

"oh, idk. he's just jacked up. he's old, and he's adopted and it's just a hot mess. he has a complex. he snores and has a funny face and he's cranky a lot when my dog is near him. he's jealous, i think. he doesn't like people getting close to his owner and stuff. he's not a bad dog, just sort of a whack job. i kinda feel sorry for him. he's lonely maybe. he's jealous. he needs understanding....."

"no. dat dog need you to fuck him up. give xanax. TWICE."

names

i just thought to write this post as i saw the name "sarah" on TV.

"sarah" was my 3rd name. 

first i was catherine ann, then i was virginia, then i was sarah, then i was jenny, then i was jeni.

ahhhh, the beauty foster care and adoption.  so heartwarming.  so "real".  so genuine. 

maybe my wonderful sense of humor is a result of such nurture, not nature.

pisses me off.

uh huh! you're SPOT ON, honey!

yeah, we all know how i feel about AP's in general.  but i have a few in my life that i actually like.  today i got a comment on my blog from an AP that was not just respectful, but shockingly sincere.  i KNOW, RIGHT???????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i was stunned!  anyway- here's part of it:

"...We all know that too many times adoption is NOT the result of genuine abandonment, but of coercion and abuse of pregnant women and natural mothers (SNIP) Does it still feel like abandonment to you?"

first things first....my  MONSTER  mother was MORE than willing to rid herself of me.  she made that crystal clear on many occasions, reminding me repeatedly that she wanted to abort me all along.  when she birthed me, she couldn't be bothered to even give me a name.....so NO- she had no interest in even looking at me either.  she never held me.  she couldn't get me out of her sight fast enough.  she didn't "hand me over".....she just up and left the hospital and never looked back.  stupid wench.

anyway, i can't answer for ALL adoptees, but many have had similar situations, and still have similar feelings.  but i can tell you how *I* feel.

yes.  abandonment is a lifelong issue.  i believe it's a lot of why i've never been married, have no kids and have never lived with anyone before in a relationship.

the fear of being left is so overpowering, that no one and nothing can make it go away.  "leave before you get left....by anyone else."  that's my lifelong motto.  i fuck up every relationship i've ever been in, so i can be SURE to break it off before anything too deep happens.

again, this is another thing that my parents couldn't have had any power over.  they did nothing to make me this way.  my brothers did nothing, nor did any single person...........EXCEPT HER.

my first mother.  she fucked me up for good.  permanently.  forever.  not fixable.  nor repairable.  not gonna change.  won't change.

when i say, "leave before you get left" i mean that i feel like i MUST leave in order to keep myself safe.  i don not believe i can survive being left by someone THAT significant again.  i don't want to try.  what she did scarred me for the rest of my existence.

i once questioned my facebook adoptee friends: "would you rather have been aborted, or lived this life as an adoptee?"  90% of the people who responded were absolutely certain they would rather have been aborted to live this pain of being an adoptee.

so in answer to the original question, and more......yes.  i will always feel abandoned until the day i die.  no matter who likes me, loves me, or just happens to give a small shit about me. 

i will NEVER recover from being abandoned.  never.