i had left my front door open, waiting. she walked in. i was standing about five feet away with my fists clenched by either cheek and a nervous grin on my face.
i slowly stepped toward her and relaxed my arms. her first words to me, "don't hug me." hmmmm. odd, no? oh well, maybe she was just in shock. i certainly was, because i was the absolute image of her from head to toe. it was almost uncomfortably shocking. i didn't know how to look like someone. i was used to looking like NO ONE at all.
"that hair really throws me off." hmmm. weird. actually, i was pissed that she said that to me, but i was busy trying to fall in love, so i let it go.
as we moved to the living room to sit down, i noticed we walked alike. she even touched her own hair like i touched mine, with a strange trepidation, as if the "poof" of it would become explosive if we messed with it.
as we sat together, she showed me a big bag of pictures from her childhood, all the way through her present marriage. we looked for hours on end. to be honest, after a while i started to get a little antsy. didn't she want to know anything about me or see any pictures of mine?
in those few hours, she said some of the coldest, most rude things to me, but again- i was busy trying to be happy and grateful to have her RIGHT there.
"so why did you give me away??"
"well, mainly because i didn't want you. what i really wanted was an abortion."
holy shit. did she really just say that to me??????????? are you shitting me???
"but you had me, so didn't you change your mind at all once you saw me? isn't it like in the movies, when the lady sees her baby and her whole life changes???? she falls in love with her kid and will do anything to protect her baby. didn't that happen?? didn't you feel any of that stuff??"
"um, no. i never wanted to look at you. i had zero intention of keeping you, so why would i look at you? my mother looked at you and she tried to make me look, but i just didn't have it in me. i didn't want you before, and i didn't want you after."
what happened next will never leave my memory...............as much as i pray for it to go..............
everyone shut up, but me. my shit on my terms.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
finding her, part 4
i went to my room, mainly to sulk in private. i was so pissed off. i had really blown it by making the mistake of putting that stupid phone down. i vowed i would never forgive myself.
i fluctuated between hating myself and feeling downright sorry for me. i couldn't believe i had her right there and she was gone again in about 10 seconds flat. i couldn't recall having been so disappointed in my entire life. not once.
as i sat there on my bedroom floor in tears, the phone rang. i leapt up and answer within the first ring. "HELLO!!!!!!!!!" it was xyz again! to be honest, i don't remember much of what he said to me, except for a couple of details. "her name is sally. she's from herkimer, is married and now lives in new jersey. i spoke to her and she would like to know if she can call you? she has a 6 month old baby that is sleeping right now." of course i said yes, and at around 10pm, my phone rang.
when i answered, the voice belonged to a man. totally threw me off. "hi jeni, my name is david. i'm married to a woman named sally. we think she might be your birthmother. do you think that's possible?"
"yes, i absolutely do."
"would you like to speak to her?" all i could think was, "wow, what a stupid question." he put her on the phone and away we went.
we talked for 4 hours straight, until 2am. we covered everything from big moose, to skating, to her life in herkimer. we decided that she would come to new york in two weeks to meet.
to be honest, that should have been my first clue that this was going to go downhill from there. i thought it odd that she would or even could wait two whole weeks!!! what the hell!!!!!
but wait, i did. i had no other choice. that saturday finally came. i still remember what i was wearing. i had to work that morning on the air from 9-12. it was without question, the longest 3 hours of my entire life. i got home at around 12:30. i remember being in the bathroom fixing my huge, oversized spiral curls, spritzing them like crazy because they were one of the things i was known for.
i looked at myself from every angle possible to make sure i didn't look fat. or that my nose wasn't having an excessively 'big' day. i fixed my eyeliner, mascara and lip liner about 200 times each.
all of my roommates were out, either working or simply making themselves scarce. i was an absolute nervous wreck. i was shaking like crazy, pacing back and forth to the bathroom and the full length mirror, then to the kitchen and back to the bathroom.
finally, i heard it- "slam!" a car door.
i fluctuated between hating myself and feeling downright sorry for me. i couldn't believe i had her right there and she was gone again in about 10 seconds flat. i couldn't recall having been so disappointed in my entire life. not once.
as i sat there on my bedroom floor in tears, the phone rang. i leapt up and answer within the first ring. "HELLO!!!!!!!!!" it was xyz again! to be honest, i don't remember much of what he said to me, except for a couple of details. "her name is sally. she's from herkimer, is married and now lives in new jersey. i spoke to her and she would like to know if she can call you? she has a 6 month old baby that is sleeping right now." of course i said yes, and at around 10pm, my phone rang.
when i answered, the voice belonged to a man. totally threw me off. "hi jeni, my name is david. i'm married to a woman named sally. we think she might be your birthmother. do you think that's possible?"
"yes, i absolutely do."
"would you like to speak to her?" all i could think was, "wow, what a stupid question." he put her on the phone and away we went.
we talked for 4 hours straight, until 2am. we covered everything from big moose, to skating, to her life in herkimer. we decided that she would come to new york in two weeks to meet.
to be honest, that should have been my first clue that this was going to go downhill from there. i thought it odd that she would or even could wait two whole weeks!!! what the hell!!!!!
but wait, i did. i had no other choice. that saturday finally came. i still remember what i was wearing. i had to work that morning on the air from 9-12. it was without question, the longest 3 hours of my entire life. i got home at around 12:30. i remember being in the bathroom fixing my huge, oversized spiral curls, spritzing them like crazy because they were one of the things i was known for.
i looked at myself from every angle possible to make sure i didn't look fat. or that my nose wasn't having an excessively 'big' day. i fixed my eyeliner, mascara and lip liner about 200 times each.
all of my roommates were out, either working or simply making themselves scarce. i was an absolute nervous wreck. i was shaking like crazy, pacing back and forth to the bathroom and the full length mirror, then to the kitchen and back to the bathroom.
finally, i heard it- "slam!" a car door.
finding her, part 3
i was sitting at my desk at the radio station one night when all of a sudden my phone rang.
"hi jeni, this is xyz....." (one of the people working with sandy). "we've found your mother." i'm sure his announcement was met with silence on my end for nearly a minute.
"you WHAT???????????" what he was telling me was simply not possible. it had to be a mistake. he could never find her, because i had already tried hard enough, and if my will alone wasn't adequate, nothing else would be, or should be.
"can you hold on for one second?" i put the phone down and shut my office door so i could freak out with this guy in private. i ran back to my desk, picked the phone back up, "you've GOT to be shitting me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you found my MOTHER!???????"
and just like that- POOF. investigator man was gone. "hello??? hello??? HELLO??????????????????" nothing.
i waited in my office for at least 2 hours for him to call back. instinctively, i knew he had hung up for safety reasons.....like wiretapping or something else that could get his cover blown. if that happened, he would never be able to help another adoptee. the sealed records are sealed for a reason, and no one in NY has ever had that ruling overturned. not once.
finally i decided to leave for home, even though every fiber of my being knew i would miss his call back while in transit-- such a big part of me wanted to sleep under my desk at work and wait for the phone to ring again.
i got in my car and raced home anyway. once there, i grilled my four roommates- "did anyone call me? anyone? did this phone ring in the last 45 minutes? has anyone at all called here looking for me?"
not one phone call. not even a wrong number.
i felt deflated, devastated and like my mother had been right there in my hands and i let her slip away. she was gone again. gone.
"hi jeni, this is xyz....." (one of the people working with sandy). "we've found your mother." i'm sure his announcement was met with silence on my end for nearly a minute.
"you WHAT???????????" what he was telling me was simply not possible. it had to be a mistake. he could never find her, because i had already tried hard enough, and if my will alone wasn't adequate, nothing else would be, or should be.
"can you hold on for one second?" i put the phone down and shut my office door so i could freak out with this guy in private. i ran back to my desk, picked the phone back up, "you've GOT to be shitting me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you found my MOTHER!???????"
and just like that- POOF. investigator man was gone. "hello??? hello??? HELLO??????????????????" nothing.
i waited in my office for at least 2 hours for him to call back. instinctively, i knew he had hung up for safety reasons.....like wiretapping or something else that could get his cover blown. if that happened, he would never be able to help another adoptee. the sealed records are sealed for a reason, and no one in NY has ever had that ruling overturned. not once.
finally i decided to leave for home, even though every fiber of my being knew i would miss his call back while in transit-- such a big part of me wanted to sleep under my desk at work and wait for the phone to ring again.
i got in my car and raced home anyway. once there, i grilled my four roommates- "did anyone call me? anyone? did this phone ring in the last 45 minutes? has anyone at all called here looking for me?"
not one phone call. not even a wrong number.
i felt deflated, devastated and like my mother had been right there in my hands and i let her slip away. she was gone again. gone.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
finding her, part 2
when i was about 13, i started to search for my mother on my own. i had a piece of paper that came with me, and one of the things it mentioned was that she was a competitive swimmer. i started calling all the local high schools to see who had a pool. i then went to each school's library and looked at old yearbooks, really searching for my face in one of school's swimmers faces.
i also tried calling every junior and senior in each yearbook, asking if they remember any of the girls getting pregnant in high school.
by the time i was 18, i was dating a cop, and i tried looking up police records on all those same people. a big part of me wondered if she had broken any laws, because i assumed she must have been a derelict if she could just abandon her own baby.
by the time i was working at the radio station, i was sort of depleted of ideas, but i still never stopped hoping and daydreaming.
i felt the usual flicker of hope......the possibility of finding her was still there.....but at the same time, i had the safety of knowing i would never really find her. right??? i mean, it had never happened before, even with eight years of searching frantically on my own. i thought i had wished "hard enough" for it to happen, but it hadn't. so deep down inside i had a "knowing" that it was never going to happen.
so, the more i stared at the information for this lady who searched for people missing through adoption, the more i thought, "why not?" so i called the number listed.
i talked to a lady named sandy who told me that she was a first mother and had found her daughter. i didn't end up booking her for the radio show, but i did book her for my own search.
my immediate thought was that i had to tell my mother. she was in full support, as was my father. they were also concerned and skeptical, being that my adoption was in the tightly sealed state of ny.
still, i sat at my desk for the next several weeks waiting for the phone to ring. i also called sandy here and there, asking how my search was coming along. "still working on it!"
i was convinced she'd never find my other mother either. until one day when my phone rang.....
"jeni? we've located your mother."
TBC............
i also tried calling every junior and senior in each yearbook, asking if they remember any of the girls getting pregnant in high school.
by the time i was 18, i was dating a cop, and i tried looking up police records on all those same people. a big part of me wondered if she had broken any laws, because i assumed she must have been a derelict if she could just abandon her own baby.
by the time i was working at the radio station, i was sort of depleted of ideas, but i still never stopped hoping and daydreaming.
i felt the usual flicker of hope......the possibility of finding her was still there.....but at the same time, i had the safety of knowing i would never really find her. right??? i mean, it had never happened before, even with eight years of searching frantically on my own. i thought i had wished "hard enough" for it to happen, but it hadn't. so deep down inside i had a "knowing" that it was never going to happen.
so, the more i stared at the information for this lady who searched for people missing through adoption, the more i thought, "why not?" so i called the number listed.
i talked to a lady named sandy who told me that she was a first mother and had found her daughter. i didn't end up booking her for the radio show, but i did book her for my own search.
my immediate thought was that i had to tell my mother. she was in full support, as was my father. they were also concerned and skeptical, being that my adoption was in the tightly sealed state of ny.
still, i sat at my desk for the next several weeks waiting for the phone to ring. i also called sandy here and there, asking how my search was coming along. "still working on it!"
i was convinced she'd never find my other mother either. until one day when my phone rang.....
"jeni? we've located your mother."
TBC............
Saturday, July 30, 2011
all lies. except that i'm a girl with brown eyes and hair.
girl
brown eyes
brown hair
5 pounds 3 ounces
19 inches
Mother: brown hair and eyes. Competitive swimmer. In college preparatory courses. Her father lives in another country. Russian decent. Negative health history. 5'3", 125#. Several aunts and uncles, several siblings. Protestant.
Father 5'10". Enrolled in college in engineering. Athletic, negative health history. Protestant.
The natural mother was very concerned for her child, and therefore chose adoption.
Carol Owens - Social Worker
brown eyes
brown hair
5 pounds 3 ounces
19 inches
Mother: brown hair and eyes. Competitive swimmer. In college preparatory courses. Her father lives in another country. Russian decent. Negative health history. 5'3", 125#. Several aunts and uncles, several siblings. Protestant.
Father 5'10". Enrolled in college in engineering. Athletic, negative health history. Protestant.
The natural mother was very concerned for her child, and therefore chose adoption.
Carol Owens - Social Worker
i'm "un-done", so here's an "un-done" post.......
late june, 1984. route 28 north. summer vacation. big blue station wagon, with my skating dresses and tights all packed, on the way to lake placid to practice for the first 6 weeks of summer, no less than a million hours a day, both on and off the ice. the 4 hour car ride felt like a million years to me every time.
"tell me the story again, ma."
"sure:) your mother was very young......and she knew she couldn't take care of you, and she loved you so much, she gave you away to a family that she knew could give you what you needed. love, time, care."
i remember sitting in the passenger side, trying to figure this out. "try harder to figure it out." that's what i kept telling myself. if adoption didn't make sense to me, i must not be trying hard enough to figure it out.
adoption didn't make sense to me that summer, or any of the summers before, or any of the summers, winters or springs of falls since. all i knew, and know, for SURE, is that it makes no sense.
never has, never will.
to be continued.........
"tell me the story again, ma."
"sure:) your mother was very young......and she knew she couldn't take care of you, and she loved you so much, she gave you away to a family that she knew could give you what you needed. love, time, care."
i remember sitting in the passenger side, trying to figure this out. "try harder to figure it out." that's what i kept telling myself. if adoption didn't make sense to me, i must not be trying hard enough to figure it out.
adoption didn't make sense to me that summer, or any of the summers before, or any of the summers, winters or springs of falls since. all i knew, and know, for SURE, is that it makes no sense.
never has, never will.
to be continued.........
Friday, July 29, 2011
the nail lady: living conditions
j: hey tracy- long time no see. how in the world are you?
t: oh, fye fye fye. what new fah you?
j: hmm. went on vacation, still job hunting and such....so do you watch the tv show "hoarders"?
t: no tye fah tv. no tye, no tye.
j: well, it's about people who can't stop buying shit. they buy some stuff that's the same as they already own and they buy more stuff, whether they can afford it or not. then they have all this stuff in their house and can hardly move from room to room.
t: who lib lye dat?
j: people who hoard. some people even hoard animals and they'll have like, 50 cats or 25 dogs or a room full of lizards or whatnot.
t: but why? why dey lib lye dat?
j: i don't know man. all i can tell you is that i can not tolerate shit like that. i can't even go to bed with a dirty fork in the sink. the drawers have to be closed perfectly, the towels have to be even, the laundry done, the floors clean, the bathroom spotless, the dog and cat toys are put away, their beds straightened, and when i'm in bed, the sheets have to be even, the pillows perfect.....the tv at a particular angle, the magazines put away in my night stand.....good Lord, HOW do people LIVE with HOARDERS!?
t: how the FUCK does faith live with YOU?
t: oh, fye fye fye. what new fah you?
j: hmm. went on vacation, still job hunting and such....so do you watch the tv show "hoarders"?
t: no tye fah tv. no tye, no tye.
j: well, it's about people who can't stop buying shit. they buy some stuff that's the same as they already own and they buy more stuff, whether they can afford it or not. then they have all this stuff in their house and can hardly move from room to room.
t: who lib lye dat?
j: people who hoard. some people even hoard animals and they'll have like, 50 cats or 25 dogs or a room full of lizards or whatnot.
t: but why? why dey lib lye dat?
j: i don't know man. all i can tell you is that i can not tolerate shit like that. i can't even go to bed with a dirty fork in the sink. the drawers have to be closed perfectly, the towels have to be even, the laundry done, the floors clean, the bathroom spotless, the dog and cat toys are put away, their beds straightened, and when i'm in bed, the sheets have to be even, the pillows perfect.....the tv at a particular angle, the magazines put away in my night stand.....good Lord, HOW do people LIVE with HOARDERS!?
t: how the FUCK does faith live with YOU?
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