my shrink forgot me.
to be honest, i usually wait for it and it happens eventually. i've had the habit of waiting for my shrink to forget me since my first one did it when i was 16. then one did it when i was 25. then one died on me when i was 30.
here's how it happened this time....
i finally talked myself into going to the obgyn for the first time in several years. i've been talking about it with my shrink for several weeks leading up to the appointment which was last wednesday. i saw him on monday, and he reminded me that he was going out of town from wednesday-sunday. he asked me, "would you like me to call you on friday?" yes, please.
wednesday came and my obgyn appointment was good. we had agreed to simply meet each other for the first time and talk in her office. i felt ok with her so i agreed to come back friday for an exam. i agreed because i knew the shrink would call and that way i had some relief just anticipating him.
i went to the doctor on friday. had an abdominal ultrasound which was useless because of the angle my uterus sits at, so she couldn't see anything. she then did an internal ultrasound which was not great, but i survived. finally she did a regular internal exam and i completely lost my shit. i started crying uncontrollably and eventually threw up on her nurse.
when i finally left, i got all the way to the highway before realizing i forgot my bra in her office. pahahaha:) but i digress.
today when i went to the shrink's office, it was very quiet. i felt like torturing him. i could see he felt terrible, but i still had every intention of continuing to punish him. after all, i had warned him in the beginning that if he ever forgot me, all hell would break loose.
then something occurred to me. if i continue the silent treatment, or worse- quit therapy like i've done in the past, who is it really hurting? not him. so even though i'm really hurt, totally angry and completely disappointed, i have to let it go.
as my dog says, judging other people hardly defines them....but it certainly does define YOU.
Gracie is a very wise girl.
ReplyDeleteI was once told by a wise person (of the human variety) that most of the "bad" that happens to me is not personal -- that people and The Universe are NOT out to get me. Stuff happens. Sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not.
Your shrink, amazing though he may be, is merely human, and has built up a lot of deposits in the Bank of Jeni. Can you grant him one non-deliberate mess up?
You had a terrific insight on this, Jeni. Bravo.
I am sorry to Jen, I know it did hurt. I think both you and your dog and Lavender are very wise.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am glad you went to the obgyn, I know it is tough, but you have to take care of yourself
I think your realization there (and your fabulous dog) is very wise. He's human and he messed up. Forgiving him so that you can keep benefiting from therapy sounds like a really good idea.
ReplyDelete(((hugs)))