Tuesday, June 28, 2011

adoption is touchy...for ALL of us involved.

fmothers typically have 2 takes on it:  "my baby was stolen/i had no choice."

PAP's and AP's seem to have two thoughts: "well, we could always adopt(because it's really our second choice) or "after i put out all this money to get a baby, THIS is my luck....to be stuck with a defiant brat that is NOTHING like me???"
adoptees have one of two responses as well, although they fluctuate between the fog of, "yes, i do feel lucky and grateful.  adoption is the best thing ever. and so therefore, i must keep these thoughts top of mind so i don't accidentally fuck up and get sent back to the people who couldn't stand me in the first place."  or...............they get with reality and understand that adoption, as a whole, is a lose-lose situation.

we lose in adoption.  our fmother lost a piece of her very core.  the adoptee loses her mother, her history, culture, medical past, her name, the facts of her birth, her siblings, and many times, even the knowledge of who her father might possibly be.

the adopters lose out on having their REAL kid which is what they wanted all along.  and then they have to deal with children that are polar opposites of every one in the family, and they may spend years trying to fix it, make it easier or better....as if the kid was meant to be in the family.
all of this is just exhausting for the parties involved.  it really is. 

what's the solution?  believe it or not, i wonder if the "it takes a village" plan will ever be a possibility for the future of our country.  seems to be working just fine in other countries around the world, as long as people are honest and keep it simple, and as long as we don't try to 'fix it', or convince them otherwise.

why do we have SUCH an attachment to making a family by any means possible?  we need to be more accepting of what we can and can not accomplish naturally without destroying families at all costs and justifying doing it simply "because we can".

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

May 08, 2008

so painful.  so triggering.

tonight, i went to a volunteer dinner for hope house.  it was at a church and we were in the auditorium type room. 

it was all long tables and i turned around to glance at a table near us and this lady was looking at me.

a few minutes later, the speaker was doing her thing, so i turned around again to look and the same lady was looking at me.

people started getting in line for the buffet and i turned to see who was next and the lady was looking at me again.,

omg, you know what i went to each time in my head?

that same fucking thing from when i was a kid.  trying to look pretty enough, good enough, confident enough, strong enough, perfect posture enough, good smile enough, well liked enough...,,

............because she MIGHT be my mother, looking for me.

May 08, 2008

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

well, it happened.

my shrink forgot me.

to be honest, i usually wait for it and it happens eventually.  i've had the habit of waiting for my shrink to forget me since my first one did it when i was 16.  then one did it when i was 25.  then one died on me when i was 30.

here's how it happened this time....

i finally talked myself into going to the obgyn for the first time in several years.  i've been talking about it with my shrink for several weeks leading up to the appointment which was last wednesday.  i saw him on monday, and he reminded me that he was going out of town from wednesday-sunday.  he asked me, "would you like me to call you on friday?" yes, please.

wednesday came and my obgyn appointment was good.  we had agreed to simply meet each other for the first time and talk in her office.  i felt ok with her so i agreed to come back friday for an exam.  i agreed because i knew the shrink would call and that way i had some relief just anticipating him.

i went to the doctor on friday.  had an abdominal ultrasound which was useless because of the angle my uterus sits at, so she couldn't see anything.  she then did an internal ultrasound which was not great, but i survived.  finally she did a regular internal exam and i completely lost my shit.  i started crying uncontrollably and eventually threw up on her nurse.

when i finally left, i got all the way to the highway before realizing i forgot my bra in her office.  pahahaha:)  but i digress.

today when i went to the shrink's office, it was very quiet.  i felt like torturing him.  i could see he felt terrible, but i still had every intention of continuing to punish him.  after all, i had warned him in the beginning that if he ever forgot me, all hell would break loose.

then something occurred to me.  if i continue the silent treatment, or worse- quit therapy like i've done in the past, who is it really hurting?  not him.  so even though i'm really hurt, totally angry and completely disappointed, i have to let it go.

as my dog says, judging other people hardly defines them....but it certainly does define YOU.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

big daddy

originally posted 8/10/10 edited 6/3/11

people often ask me how i found my first family. here's the story of finding my nfather.

the first time i met my mother, she came to my house that i shared with 4 other girls. we were sitting at the kitchen table and she told me the story of how i came to be.

she had run away from home at 15. she went to california. at her age, she was unable to get a job, so she got back on the greyhound bus and started back to NY. 

there was a layover (no pun intended) in salt lake. she met a man who needed a nanny, so she stayed and worked for his family. she became friends with another nanny in the neighborhood, and they ended up going to a party together where she met and got laid by my father.

when she went to tell him she was pregnant with me, he was in jail. so back to NY she went.

when we were talking, she gave me his name and told me that he had been in the military at one time in his life. one other thing was that he had been married to a lady named kay and they had a son named after him.

this was back in the early 90's, so there wasn't any internet. i had to keep going back and forth to the public library. i looked in the phone books of utah searching for his name. nothing. i looked for her name. nothing.

eventually, i looked at the maps to find what possible military bases were in salt lake. i called several recruiting offices out there. nothing.

finally, i found an actual air force base. i called and asked if they could give me any info on someone based there over 20 years ago. "hahahahahahahahaha." apparently, not.

for some reason, i decided to call again around midnight. a woman answered the phone, and i told her who i was looking for. she told me 20 years was a really long time, but to call her back the next night and she would see what she could find.

i called her back, and sure enough, she had his info. she told me his DOB and where he was originally from. she also said that if i ever called back, she would deny knowing anything i was talking about.

i went back to the library and started searching the white pages for atmore, alabama. i couldn't find his name. i looked in all of alabama, nothing. i knew the area code (251) and the exchange 368. i started randomly dialing with those prefixes with any combination of numbers, asking anyone who answered if they knew him. no luck. until...........

a woman answered one of the numbers i dialed and i asked her if she knew him. "no, but my husband is the postal carrier here and he might know. hold on."


"uhhhhhyellllllllow!" i asked the same question, and he said, "i don't know him, but i know his mother, mazie. here's her number...."

holy KRAP.

so i called her. "what do you want with him????" i said i was just wanting to talk to him. she yelled at me for about 10-15 seconds until she heard me crying. "he's my father. i just wanted to talk to him....."

again....holy KRAP. i was shocked i was saying those words. "well, he's not here, but i'll tell him you called." i left my number, and i cancelled my memorial day plans to stay home next to the phone.


i tried him again several more times and i finally got him. he denied knowing anything about me. eventually, he admitted he knew about me. i asked him if i had any siblings. he said, "yes, i have 7 kids." i was shocked! "are you serious!!!???" he said, "i'm serious as a heart attack." alrighty then.

6 months later, i was home sick for 3 days with the flu. i went to grand union saturday night to get medicine. when i came home, there was a hang up on my answering machine. i was totally devastated, thinking i had missed his call. everyone i knew would have left a message. it had to be him.

a few days later, i got another call. "is this jeni?" it was a woman and i didn't recognize her voice at all. "i'm your sister."

the following november, i flew to dallas to meet my sister tracy. i was in the DFW airport when i looked around and picked her out from behind, just by the shape of her head.

that weekend, we drove to corpus and i met 6 more siblings. all very welcoming, as was their mother. 

little did i know at that point, my search was hardly over. i've found a total of 19 half siblings, and so far i've met only 8.

i was due to meet my father in 2 weeks from now, but that isn't going to happen. i'm waiting for the call that tells me he's off life support after a very long illness.

i have no regrets with my decision to not meet him up until this point. i have spoken to him on the phone several times, and for this lifetime, it's going to have to be enough. and for right now, it is. 

Robert W. ******
October 21, 1944 -August 21, 2010