Thursday, September 27, 2012

hang on.....who am i SUPPOSED to be?????????

i don't know who i am.  or maybe i do.  i don't know.

i know what i like- my family, big moose, skating, ballet, hotels, Atlanta, water skiing, hiking to billy's bald spot.

but where did i come from?  i mean, i know the woman who i was birthed to, and i know the family that raised me, but I'm still confused.

what would my life have been like "before" adoption?  would it have been "SO" bad, as everyone tells me it would be?

i have no way of knowing.  i wish people would stop asking me that question.

i hope i am nothing like her, but i see myself in her anyway.  the wishing that she would be loving is tiring.  the hoping that i don't have any of her hatred is tiring.  the lack of me being a mother like she is, is tiring.

I'm bored with being tired.  i just wanted that one mother, and she couldn't come through for me.  i can't stop the grudge.

please, do NOT ask me to.


  1. (((((((((((((((((Jeni)))))))))))))) I love you.

  2. I'm so sorry, Jeni. I wish I could help in some way.