was i worth it? and other thoughts...

i was driving down the road today, wondering if my parents felt like they got their money's worth when they got me.

i think yes.

haven't always felt that way, but for the most part i do.  i mean, it's such a gamble when buying a kid.  it's a crap shoot.  they won't be anything like you, and you can't change that.  so be prepared.  you never know where your new little critter came from.

yesterday i saw a documentary with dr. wayne dyer.  he repeatedly talked about how important it is to know where you come from.  it's a natural need. 

if you don't find where you came from, you become obsessed with figuring it out at the expense of moving forward and living your life.  that's how i lived until i met my witch mother.  i daydreamed of her constantly.  it really held me back emotionally and otherwise.

so to make it simple, if you're an AP, try your best to keep an open adoption.  if it wasn't open, never stifle your child's dreams of finding her mother. 

you won't win.

ultrasound tech daniel: "i need you to take off your shoe and shorts."

  me: "um, daniel, i'm going comando today...."

  daniel: "would you prefer a woman tech?"

  me: "meh- is she a lesbian and cute?"

  daniel: "ummmmm.........nooooo."

  me: "no to which? being a lesbian or being cute?"

  daniel: "ummmmmm no to both....."

  hahahahahahaha:)

hang on.....who am i SUPPOSED to be?????????

i don't know who i am.  or maybe i do.  i don't know.

i know what i like- my family, big moose, skating, ballet, hotels, Atlanta, water skiing, hiking to billy's bald spot.

but where did i come from?  i mean, i know the woman who i was birthed to, and i know the family that raised me, but I'm still confused.

what would my life have been like "before" adoption?  would it have been "SO" bad, as everyone tells me it would be?

i have no way of knowing.  i wish people would stop asking me that question.

i hope i am nothing like her, but i see myself in her anyway.  the wishing that she would be loving is tiring.  the hoping that i don't have any of her hatred is tiring.  the lack of me being a mother like she is, is tiring.

I'm bored with being tired.  i just wanted that one mother, and she couldn't come through for me.  i can't stop the grudge.

please, do NOT ask me to.

silent weekend at the monestery 2011

my version:
my mind is well rested, my heart openly altered and my soul forever moved.

gracie's version:

this weekend, a loud cat sang to me, i nearly fell into a reflecting pool, i met geese who politely "honked" so i'd be sure not to get run over by them. i was sprinkled with holy water TWICE and THEN a monk came down to the floor, blessed me, then he said that *I* was a blessing!!! such amazing grace!!!! God is so generous:)

******************************************************
so much to tell:) it's so hard to explain the feelings i had when i got there, and while i was there, but i'll give it a shot. this is my first time trying to write about this, so i hope i can do it justice.

here's a link to where we were: http://www.trappist.net/

anyway....leading up to the weekend, i was really nervous. i've never done anything like this before, and i was definitely worried i wouldn't know what i was doing around so many holy people! the closer i got to the place, the more scared i felt, actually. my heart was pounding like crazy when i got into conyers, ga. once the count down on my navigator started, i was truly shaking.

when i turned onto the driveway, i felt giddy! i could see the building but it was really far away. i drove slowly, because i wasn't sure where i was going or what to do when i got there.

finally, we parked outside the abbey store and the bonsai garden house. i walked my dog and then we started looking for the retreat house. we passed by some amazing catholic geese:) we finally found our check in place, met patti who runs the office and got our keys. we went up to the third floor and put our things down in the room....it has a desk, a bed and a chair. we shared a bathroom with another lady from our church that was in the room next to us.

after, gracie and i went down to the lake and watched about 30 geese swimming around. there were also lots of mallard ducks, but the geese seemed to own the place:) we stayed down there until 5:00 and then went back to the retreat house. from there, we got directions to go to 5:20 vespers.

i haven't been in a catholic church in quite a long time, and i've never been to one like this before. very few pews, all in the back. we sat in the choir stalls next to the monks. the chanting was amazing.....with just a few prayers scattered in. it lasted about 20 minutes, and then it was time to go.

i walked out with the woman who showed me the way in. she was behind me and gracie, and she walked with one of the monks. she said to him, "did you get my email that you're speaking to a group tonight?" i almost stopped dead in my tracks! EMAIL???? email?? for a monk? monks get email??????????

anyway, we then went to dinner and ate in silence. very simple meals, but tasted great and there was always just enough. after dinner, our group of 8 met with that same monk! he told us how to find our way around and what to do if we needed anything. all of a sudden, i saw under his robes...........he had on jeans and sneakers!!!!!!!!!!!!! i chucked a bit....and he saw me looking at his feet and said, "i'm just a regular guy!"

one of the other girls in our group asked him if he was allowed to leave and if so, what did he wear when he went into town. he told us that he normally would wear regular clothes, but the following day, he was going to the circus, and would wear monks clothing because he wanted the free parking..:)

anyway, after that get together, it was time for grand silence (8p-4a). we all went to our rooms, and i, of course, tried to see if i could get a signal on my laptop. didn't happen. i can't say i'm sad, either. i decided to just lie there and think. the silence around me was positively deafening. my dog was on the twin bed with me, just staring into my eyes. i tilted my head back to take my medicine and there was jesus hanging on the wall above me. to be honest, it startled me for a second, then made me giggle with nervousness for another second, then made me feel rather calm.

to be honest, i didn't sleep much at all that night. i was awake until 3:30am. i missed the 4am prayers, but made it to 7am. it's very dark in the church, which at first was a little odd, but i really grew to love it more with every prayer session.

saturday was filled with more silent meals, group sessions, down times, dog walks, the lake. gracie and i found ourselves watching a wedding with just a bride, groom, minister and a witness. it was on a hill in the middle of the grounds. the beauty of the simplicity was incredible...... after, i watched the couple walk around a bit, holding hands and not talking, just 'being'. that afternoon, i found some of her bouquet petals down by the lake. they looked so elegant, lying there in the midst of so many pinecones and needles, right next to the water.

we went to our last evening prayer service and we were both blessed with holy water, and then we stayed after by ourselves. i was up near the alter and a monk came close. i asked him if he would bless my dog, which he did, and then he blessed me, too. we went upstairs to bed and had no trouble sleeping. we woke up bright and early for a prayer service, final meeting and then church in the old crypt, lunch and then it was time to pack. we stayed for 2 more hours, just walking around the grounds taking pictures, and then we started home...........back to normal life.

or so i THOUGHT..........

a little back story- many moons ago i left the hotel after work one night. i parked in front of my house which was only 4 blocks away. a man put something over my mouth and took me to an empty apartment where he fucked me over, quite literally.

the initial charges ranged from sodomy, rape, and kidnapping to attempted murder. he pleaded down to kidnapping and rape and got life in prison. in GA, that means ten years. he's just failed his first attempt at parole, but will be getting released unconditionally february 12, 2012 due to over crowding.)

onto the part two:

saturday morning, our group met to discuss what we wanted from life in terms of our futures, both immediately and in days, months and years to come.

i was listening to some ladies who were a couple of generations ahead of me as they spoke mostly of feeling they had gotten to a place in their lives where their thoughts in that moment were mostly geared toward a specific goal. the ideas, in their own words was they felt the lives they had lead up to that point were made up of thoughts and actions and enough "check ins" at sunday services that they felt they had earned a RIGHT to be seated close to god in heaven when they arrived.

they also included things like the pain of divorce, a husband lost to suicide, one woman with health issues....each of them concluded these events were their ticket to heaven, with a great seat! i listened to their words, i wondered whether their experiences and expected outcomes were to come true.

all of this made me sort of examine what i wanted or expected from life and, really....from death as well. what's the goal? what's the reason to live the way i live? actually, more importantly, IS there a reason to live the way i live? am i supposed to feel obligated to behave in a way that will get me a good seat? do i want a good seat? quite honestly, i don't particularly care. i don't sit still very well anyway.

before i left friday to go to the retreat, i printed out the prison mug shot and rap sheet of the man who assaulted me. i recently found out that he is, in fact, due to be released in 11 months. he's failed parole already last november, but come february 2, 2012, the state can no longer keep him as a prisoner. when i saw that, i was absolutely petrified.

then i spent some time with him in my pocket at the retreat. i began to wonder what had happened in his past that made him capable of even thinking about committing such crimes. i felt more and more firmly rooted in my knowledge that an average person doesn't run around assaulting people, raping them and attempting to murder them. something HAD to have happened to him long, long before i was ever on his radar. how could i not begin to have compassion for someone who lived such a tortured life? someone must have harmed him in a way that was irrevocable and life altering in the most damaging of ways.

with that in mind, how could i wish "hell" on such a person? i had been so busy harboring my own anger, fear, helplessness and guilt. if i kept hanging on to those things, how would there be room for the forgiveness for him that i wanted for myself???

i suddenly began to feel love and compassion and forgiveness. there was a place in me that became so incredibly open to welcome him in so i could keep him near me and pray for him. the more i opened my heart to this idea, the more free i became.

my soul was always something that i thought was on reserve for when my body ceased to live, and something needed to go to heaven. that was my soul's job- go to heaven to represent me, right?

not really. that weekend, my soul literally opened up. i saw god in there and he moved over a little. shortly thereafter, my soul just grew big and wide enough to make plenty of room for this man to dwell also. i keep him in the safety of my soul and i pray for him.

none of this means i forgive the harm he caused me, but it DOES mean that i recognize that he is a human being, and i am allowed to hate the acts and still have compassion for the person. i must have compassion for him.

that's what i wish for him. to find forgiveness for himself and live with a soul that is free from torment, of anger, fear, violence, hatred and loneliness.

so what i learned was not only that i didn't need or want a seat up close in heaven. i feel firmly grounded in the fact that THIS person needs god to hold him, keep him, and remind him every day that he can be forgiven......

i'll gladly give up my seat for that.

https://www.facebook.com/jeni.flock/photos#!/media/set/?set=a.1649171942550.2088861.1034495925&type=3

weight........what???????

so i started a new medication about a month ago.  my friend said, "you know that's going to make you gain weight, right?"  no, i don't KNOW it's going to make me gain weight.  everyone is different.  some people have side effects, some people don't.  surely i would be one of the people who don't gain weight.

well, i gained weight.  like 5 pounds, which shows itself on me like a big tatoo across my face.  at first, it made me feel completley terrible.  i felt like a failure for some reason, and i hadn't even done anything wrong.  i was simply taking the medicine as prescribed.

i was struggling a little bit with the fact that i had these extra pounds that i resented like crazy, but at the same time, i was feeling SOOOO good.  better than i had in years.  nothing over the top, just feeling very steady and happy.

finally, it occurred to me that my happiness doesn't have to be attached to how much i weigh.  5 more pounds doesn't make me a bad person.  in fact, i'm a better person than i've been in a long time.

so screw you, extra padding.  i WIN!!!!!!!!!!!

LLL

To all adoptive parents, hopeful adoptive parents, and anyone who has ever even considered adoption:

Being adopted hurts. Being adopted is hard. It is not beautiful; it is brutal, it is tragic, it is a cause for great sadness. For in order for a child to even be available for adoption, that child must first go through some sort of tragedy; whether that be abuse, hunger, homelessness, neglect, or even the simple fact that he or she is losing the life and family he or she was born into. This makes adoption a thing to mourn; not a cause for celebration or joy. To be joyful about adopting a child is to be glad that this tragedy happened.

I don't think there's a soul alive who would actually choose to be born into a situation where being relinquished for adoption, voluntarily or otherwise, was necessary.

Of course there will always be a need for children to be removed from their parent(s) and placed in safer, more stable, loving homes - but please understand that no matter how good and loving and wonderful the adopting parents are, nothing will ever erase the pain, the grief, and the loss that comes with being adopted.

The very foundation of adoption is that of loss - a child loses his or her mother, father, and entire family; a mother, father and family loses one of their children. And, yes, even a loss for the adopting parent - sometimes the loss of the expectation of having their own, biological offspring, the loss of a dream of having a baby of "their own." A separation of one family MUST occur before a new one can be built through adoption. Maybe it isn't a voluntary destruction, maybe the destruction is necessary for the health and safety of the child - but it is still a destruction of the very core, fundamental foundations of that child's life that will forever be altered.

Think of it this way...one of your parents dies, and your surviving parent eventually goes on to remarry. Though you might grow to love and have a great relationship with your parent's new spouse, no amount of love and happiness in this present situation will erase the grief you feel over the loss of your other parent. So please, if you have adopted or are considering adoption, keep this in mind.

Adoption should be the very last resort after all other options have been tried. Ask yourself this - does an adoption HAVE to happen? Is there anything I can possibly do to help this young mother keep her child? Are there resources I can direct her to, items I can supply her with, can I offer her the support and encouragement she needs to be a good parent? If so, then pursuing adoption is not the right choice. Too many unnecessary adoptions happen as a permanent solution to a very temporary problem. Adoption, after all, is forever - while a current living situation, job situation, etc., is temporary and can be changed and improved. Most women who relinquish their children do so because they feel they have no other choice...but what if she does have another choice, and only needs the support and encouragement to make it?

Adopted people know we are a second choice, a "Plan B," a solution to someone else's problem. While there are some people out there who would choose adoption first, most only do so after failed attempts at pregnancy or to "complete" a family of all boys or girls or to give their current child a sibling. Adding to your family through adoption should never be about meeting some need of your own...it should always and only ever be about providing for the CHILD'S needs. Please don't put the added pressure on an adopted child by forcing them to live up to the unspoken standard of the child you couldn't concieve or the son or daughter you couldn't produce. Adoption is not a cure for infertility, nor are adopted people "gifts" to be passed around in order to complete somebody else's life. We are human beings in our own right, with our own feelings, needs, and wants. Don't add to an already painful situation by expecting us to be something we weren't born to be.

Please be willing to be completely open and honest with the child you may someday adopt. It doesn't matter how horrible of a situation they came out of; tell them the truth, and tell them early. For the truth can be dealt with, it can be processed and closure can be found; but nobody can get closure from fantasies and daydreams. Adopted people are stronger than you give them credit for; believe me when I say, we imagine and prepare for every possible scenario when it comes to our families or origin. Don't think we haven't entertained the idea that our biological parents were the worst of the worst, or idealized them as some sort of saintly creatures, and everything in between. We have already survived the loss of our original families; don't for one minute think we can't survive knowing the reason why. And on that note, if an adopted person ever chooses to search, reunite, or just know more about their family of origin, don't guilt them into not doing it or make them feel beholden to you. It has NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING. Human beings are born with an innate curiosity about who and where we come from. For some adopted people to feel whole, they need to know their own personal history and explore their roots. There's nothing wrong with that. After all, you, as the parent, are responsible for your adopted child's happiness and well being...not the other way around. Swallow your pride, put away your jealousy, and support your adopted child in any quest for truth they may wish to undertake. Believe me, they will thank you for it.

Don't fall into the terminology trap. Adoptees know they have more than one set of parents...two that created them, and the parent(s) who are raising them. ALL are real to the adoptee. Don't get caught up in who is "real" and who is more important; let your adopted child choose the terminology that suits THEM. If you have been a good and loving parent, that's all you need. Besides, a parent can love more than one child, so why can't a child be allowed to love more than one parent? The heart has an infinite capability to love. Don't begrudge your adopted child the possibility of loving people he or she may not even remember.

And don't disparage the biological parents or family either. They may be evil people, the scum of the earth...but to say anything bad about the biological family is the same as saying something bad about your adopted child. The child did come from these people, after all; and better or worse we did inherit parts of ourselves from them. The old saying applies here more than anywhere else...if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Adopted people experience a range of issues from having been adopted...many suffer from the fear of rejection and abaondonment, have problems trusting others and forming relationships. After all, our very mothers could walk away from us, so what's to stop anyone else? Though not all adoptees experience these, many do, and to varying degrees. Just because the adopted person in your life hasn't mentioned it, don't think they don't feel it. Many will never, ever talk about their negative adoption issues for those exact reasons...fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, and just the overwhelmingly negative response they expect. If the adopted person in your life (your child, a friend or other family member) ever does talk about it, take your personal feelings and judgments out of it. Resist the temptation to say things like, "But you had such wonderful [adoptive] parents!" or "but you could have been aborted/thrown in a dumpster/etc.!" Adoptees are the only subset of society who are wholly expected to be grateful for our very lives, and with this expectation comes the need to try to suppress any negative emotion or feeling. Most adoptees won't even admit to themselves, let alone other people, that they are hurting. After all, we got this "better life," didn't we? We don't have the RIGHT to feel sad/angry/depressed. So many adoptees choose to stay silent and instead live a lie.

And, yes, that goes hand-in-hand with the child-parent relationship thing...remember, the PARENT is repsonsible for the health and well being of the CHILD, NOT the other way around. Only in adoption are adoptees somehow expected to always be careful not to "hurt" their adoptive parents; not to rock the boat or bring up something about their adoption because their PARENTS might not like it. This is another reason so many adopted people don't speak about adoption...we are afraid of hurting our adoptive parents. I know that as a parent myself, I would never expect my children to be responsible for my well-being...so please, don't ever place that expectation on adopted people either. After all, their adoptive parents WANTED to adopt, they WANTED a child, and chose this path for themselves. The adoptee most often did not choose it and had no say in the matter. Don't expect gratitude. ANYONE could have been aborted, could have been abandoned, could have been abused. These are not phenomena that are solely related to adoptees. Just because a person was adopted doesn't automatically mean they were unwanted, that they "could have been" anything...they are just people who are being raised by a different family and are living a DIFFERENT life, not necessarily a better one.

Please, if you are considering adoption or have already, educate yourself. Read books such as the Primal Wound. Read blogs by adopted people and relinquishing parents. Go into it with an open mind and open heart. Understand that there is the very real potential that the child you someday adopt might just struggle with it. And while you can be a terrific parent, a wonderful guide and mentor, the damage has already been done. Be prepared to do the hard work of helping your child deal with any grief, anger, and other issues he/she may feel. TALK to them about it. Adoptees are notorious for keeping things bottled up...let them know it's OK to talk with you about them. Reassure them that you will NOT be hurt, offended or damaged by their feelings. ALLOW them the freedom to feel whatever they feel.

If you are considering an open adoption or have entered into an open adoption, HONOR that. Unless there is some clear and present danger to the life of your child, KEEP THE COMMUNICATION OPEN. Don't cease contact with the biological family because it's an inconvenience for YOU. Understand that yes, at times it might be emotionally trying for your adopted child, your child may come away from visits or reading letters and feel depressed and angry, but don't take that as a reason to cease contact. TALK to your child. Help them understand WHY they are feeling this way. It's only natural that this might happen; and in the same breath, the biological mother/father/family may also feel overwhelmed at times and pull back, but do what you can to keep the lines of communication open. Remember, adoption is based on loss, and being reminded of that loss can be overwhelming. But that doesn't mean it should be avoided. Your adopted child will thank you someday for sacrificing your own happiness and comfort to allow him/her to keep this very important connection.

Try not to make a big celebration out of your child's adoption day (and PLEASE don't EVER use the horribly offensive and insensitive term "Gotcha Day). The same goes for birthdays. For while it may be a happy occasion to remember, keep in mind that it also marks the day that the adopted person was permanently and forever separated from their mother, their father, their original family. Birthdays are especially hard; for most adoptees have the knowldedge that our births were not cause for celebration; nobody was bringing our mothers flowers and balloons and offering congratulations; our entrance into this world was one of sadness and trepidation. And it marks the day we were phyisically separated from our mothers; for many of us, it was the last time we ever saw her. So if the adoptee in your life withdraws around his or her birthday or doesn't appear to like celebrating, respect that. Understand that to many of us, it is not a cause for celebration.

I am not trying to tell anyone not to adopt. I am not saying, "shame on you" to anyone who already has adopted. What I am saying is, please step back and really think long and hard about the ramifications of adoption on the very person who is at the center of it all - the child you hope for or the child you have brought into your home. Be ready and willing to put a lot of hard work into helping this adopted child heal, to feel whole and complete in themselves. Be prepared to put your own needs and wants on the shelf and to put away your expectations, do what it takes to attend to the needs of your adopted child. All the love in the world, all the toys and gadgets and material things you might provide will never replace or erase what was lost.

Family preservation should always be the goal. Adoption should never, ever be utilized unless it is the last and only option left. Because adoption should be about finding homes for children in need; NOT finding children for people to fill a need. Jesus commanded us to help the orphan AND the widow...we as a society should do more to help famlies stay together instead of tearing them apart. Nobody really wants to be adopted...if given a choice, they'd rather their family situations could improve so that they wouldn't have to be separated. Would YOU have liked it if your mother gave you away?

Sincerely,
An adult adoptee

letter to my birthmother

You,

I have thought about you everyday of my life. Before I met you, I thought you would be a famous actress, a doctor, or a princess. I always thought that you were this perfect person who would love to have me find her.

Every time I saw a woman with brown eyes and brown hair, I thought it was you. I thought that maybe you were checking on me to make sure that I was OK.

I dreamed of you since I was little. I don't even remember being told about you, but I always remember having a sense of something missing, even before I knew about you.

I spent so much time and so many years looking for you that I was convinced I would be looking for the rest of my life, like it was never going to happen. I never really thought I would find you.

Sometimes, I wish I never did. At least I would still have thoughts of you being a perfect person who secretly missed me everyday. I always thought you must be thinking of me, especially on my birthday. I just assumed you loved me.

Then I met you. At first, I thought you were in too much shock to show me any affection. The very first thing you said to me when you walked in my door was, "Don't hug me." Then you made some crass comment about my long curly hair.

I tried for a while to like you. I even assumed I loved you. I figured the reason I felt so stupid and not good enough around you was my own fault.

I never felt good enough around you. Not even when I was on the phone with you. I always felt like I was pulling teeth to get you to talk to me.

You even told me you would have never looked for me. That devastated me. I felt like you threw me out all over again. Like I should never had tried to find you, because I was invading your space. Like I went against your wishes.

Well, you went against mine. No one ever asked me if I wanted to be deserted. No one ever asked me if I wanted to live with strangers. No ever one asked if I wanted to live in a foster home, only to get ripped out of that family, too.

No one asked me if I wanted to live in constant fear of being "given back" if I made a mistake. After all, the only mistake I made with you was being born, and I didn't even do it on purpose. Look where that got me. In some cold, unemotional agency that simply wanted to get me out of their hair just as fast as you did.

Throwing away, dumping, dropping off, giving up, no matter what you feel like calling it, it is the most devastating thing you can put on another human being. Even with all the anger I feel toward you, I would not wish adoption on you in a million years. It's far too cruel. It wrecks a person. It breaks a person. It creates a second guessing of yourself, everyone, and everything around you.

Everyone I know knows where they came from. It was their birth right. They take it for granted. Like it's some legal right they have. I never had that. I had a piece of paper that came with me saying that you had a bunch of brothers and sisters, a zillion aunts and uncles, and that you were some sort of competitive swimmer. I even thought your father lived in another country, simply because there was a typo on that paper. I grew up thinking I was from something. That I was someone that I wasn't.

Can you even imagine my shock when I learned the truth about you and me and where I came from? You can never understand it, nor would I wish it upon you to.

I wonder if you were angry about me, or about being pregnant. It seems like you must have been, and still are. I feel your anger all the time. From the very day I met you. You resented me for finding you, because I interrupted your life for a second time. You cannot deny it, because I know it in my heart. You are ashamed of me. I know you feel it with every fiber of your being. I know I do.

I have never been anything but an inconvenience to you. You have made that very clear, not just on one occasion. I wish that I could be a big enough person to say I don't hold that against you, but I do.

YOU are the one who ran away. YOU are the one who slept with a stranger at a party. YOU are the one who abandoned me.

I am head strong, and I got that from you. I know you could have kept me if you felt like it. I am aware that the circumstances would not have been perfect, but I am also aware that throughout my life, my circumstances have not always been perfect either. But I do not run from them. I don't give my issues to someone else to fix.

I believe that every person deserves to know who they are. You stole that from me. You tore it away. You took it. You stripped me of the very thing that makes a person a person. Who they are. I still don't know, and I hold you personally responsible for that.

Even my own mattress has a tag that shows exactly what it's made of. It also says, "DO NOT REMOVE." Maybe you could learn a lesson or two from something so simple.

Adopted: The Movie

get yourself a bucket, sit back, and listen to this asshole AP squeal with laughter and delight over the event in which a woman will soon  experience the loss of her baby, and that baby of her mother:

now that's something to be proud of and excited about, JACQUI.

obviously, i think this flick is a MUST-see. jennifer fero rips my heart to absolute shreds every single time i watch this.

"you only got her because she was abandoned."

one leg of the journey

last night, i was surfing youtube and came across one of the "adopted" documentary clips featuring lynne connor.



i posted it on my friend luz's wall.  she came back and asked me, "Did you feel this way sometimes? (Not the Asian-ness, specifically, but some sort of different-ness)?"

my answer to that was affirmative.  "Almost all times. I just never had the words. I couldn't figure out how to say it. And if anyone tried to help (my mother mainly) the guilt overrode everything and I just shut my mouth and tried to be grateful."

my mother, however, wasn't exactly the source of my always feeling weird surrounding my adoption. it's almost ingrained in an adoptee.  "man, these people went out and paid good money for me.  i better come through....."

looking back, i remember typically feeling weird surrounding my adoption.  genetically- a total misfit.  physical appearance-  i looked like no one, and that made me mad.  i didn't have any of the musical talent that everyone in my family had, and the guilt from that alone was incredibly overwhelming.  i grew up being the 4th generation of living on a lake, but i was terrified of deep water an still am.

my mother was the source of everything good for me to feel like a normal kid.  she never babbled on and on about how "special" or "chosen" i was, which 99% of adoptees hate hearing.  all that term does is put pressure on us to be grateful.  if we're not grateful, we have a lifelong fear of being 'given back'.

instead, my mother treated me like an average kid, just like she did with my brothers.  but still.........that doesn't cure my "adoptee syndrome", which i consider to be a very real problem.  nor has anything in my 43 years cured me of my own primal wound.

i think luz takes an excellent approach to parenting adoptees by educating herself through books, movies, documentaries, and, wait for it!  daring to DIALOG with real live adult adoptees!  shocking, i know.

i don't claim to have any answers, and i don't think luz has them all either.  but i do know that the closer we get, the more i tell her how much i see my little girl self in her young daughter. in fact, tessa and i are now penpals.

i don't see adoption ending in my lifetime, although i would love to see it abolished.  but in the mean time, i'm happy to have luz to hear my feelings, my explanations of behaviors and even some of the good things..................

my main example being my mother.  she is the best woman on earth, and even though she didn't have all the answers either, she loved me through it, and continues to just hear me.  we can't undue my adoption, but we can at least  journey through it together, and there's always room for one more person on our train, and for me, that's my luzzy.

My Gracie Mae

2/4/11

my dear, sweet gracie mae,

do you remember the day we found each other? i turned the corner, and there you were in all your glory:) our eyes met, and it was instantly magical!

"i want to see that one. can we take that one out? i want to see her and sit with her. i need to sit there and feel what she's like to be near."

we walked outside together. you had red marks on your white fur from your temporary collar. i sat down on a tree stump and you stood next to me. i was petting you, with the most odd sense of intention. i wanted to comfort you, and i wanted to feel your soft fur.

what i felt was your heart. i held your face in my hands with an absence of fear that i had never known with a dog before. i could feel your heart with mine. i could feel the depth of your very soul. i could feel your warm, caring spirit, and it made me free again, gracie. you set me free for the first time in years.

i knew we belonged together, and i knew it with all my heart.

do you remember when we walked back inside together? do you remember the nice man who took you back to your small cell? do you remember me getting down on the floor with you and telling you i had to go fill out paperwork, and that they wouldn't let me take you with me? do you remember me telling you that i wouldn't leave you behind? that i was only going to another room? that i would come back for you? that i would never leave you again? do you remember?

the papers said your name was "princess". when we got in the car together, i promised you i would give you a proper name that was full of intention and love, just like you were. i told you i was going to call you "grace", after your granny. "gracie", i said.

i wonder if you remember your first night at home with me? you didn't want to come indoors with me. you hesitated. i got you a dog bed, and put it near the fireplace. i had to plop you in it because you wouldn't go to it. when i went to bed, i kept getting up to make sure you were still breathing, finally, i picked you up and brought you into bed with me.

you slept next to me all night. i felt you breathing, and i felt your heart beating with such a beautiful rhythm. you slept soundly all night, as if we had always known eachother. the next morning, i woke up to you looking at me, waiting. you refused to leave my bed until i left it.

you have been my most loyal, true companion in this incredible life we lead. we're happy together. just like we both knew we would be, and should be.

my sweet gracie mae. i love you in ways that i don't have words for. i try to let you know every day how much i care and how much i appreciate all that you are and all that you do for me.

i pray for you more than i pray for myself.

i enjoy you, i relish you, and i love you.

you are my heart and you are my soul. i am so intensely blessed and proud to be your mother, your companion, your anything............. because you are my everything.

falling away..........

i recently had a birthday which always leads me to thinking about sally (my original mother).  i mentioned her on facebook a couple of times, "i wish she would just try to know me......"  this led my friend to ask if she could contact sally for me and ask her for a relationship.  even just writing to each other once a year.

in turn, sally stalked my friend on google, obtained her phone number, proceeded to call her at 10PM and rip her a new one.  she told my friend that the door to our relationship was closed and that she wanted absolutely nothing to do with me.  she went on to tell my friend that i had her 'duped' her into thinking i was a nice person.  that i surely had her fooled.

sally's one request?  to be notified of my death via email.

i've often wondered and expressed aloud, "how in the world did i come from such a person??"  it breaks my heart to be related to someone that can be so cold.  it also drives me nuts when people constantly tell me to "get over it".  it's NOT that simple, and unless you have walked in my reeboks, you have no say.

in the days following the exchange between sally and my friend, i've felt a flux between anger, sadness, disgust and a new one: relief.

this latest demonstration of her never ending grudge finally sort of settled into me differently.  once the rage wore off, i started to care less about my desire and desperate need for her to love me.  i finally realized that i don't need her to approve of me in order to make a good life for myself. 

i didn't need her love to become a winning figure skater, a good ballet dancer, a talented water skier, or a Spelman grad.  i don't need her now to be a great shelter chef, an excellent japanese interpreter, or an advocate for my homeless friends.

i can become whatever and whoever i need and want to be without her.  i can do anything and everything without her.  i truly wanted to do all of it with her, but that wasn't meant to be.

so now, after a lot of soul searching, i feel ready to allow her to "fall away" from me.  i'm looking forward to enjoying this new freedom from a constantly wounded soul that is now finally becoming free........

the nail lady: having babies

me: "hey tracy, how's life??"

t: "lye good.  kid in skooo, me like."

me: "hmmm.  speaking of kids.....you know i want a baby.  i'm thinking about starting to try in the next 9 - 12 months or so."

t: "baby lot of work.  you ready?  you scare??"

me: "i don't know that anyone is ever REALLY ready....i mean there's all that second guessing about whether you can be a good enough parent, if you have all the answers, if you're good enough, whether you'll make mistakes......worrying about the right choices for this little human being....it's so much to think about....so much responsibility, do i have enough money?  do i have the right temperament?  do i have the patience?  i mean, i LOVE kids so much....i'm just obsessing every.single.night. about whether i will be a good enough mother....so many nerves, so much apprehension, it never goes away...."

t: "i no talk about dat.  i talk about delivery.  it lye someone shot you in the lady parts with a .45 caliber.  you ready for dat?????"

finding her, part 6

late that afternoon, i followed her in my car over to herkimer where i was to meet her mother, nephews, aunts and uncles. when we arrived, a mob of people emerged from the house, running toward me and suddenly they were all clinging to me for what felt like an eternity. my god, that was weird. so uncomfortable.

i also was able to meet her father who lived not far from the house where we were stationed for dinner. her father was nice, but most definitely the least interested of all my newly found relatives.

back at my new grandmother's house, we all had dinner and i met my little half brother, who was 6 months old at the time. i've always loved babies, and i noticed how very little patience sally had with JJ right away. at first, i blamed it on nerves, but the longer i watched, the more i saw her frustration grow into what i now classify as plain disgust, as if he were an interruption. an interruption in her life, just as i would later figure out i was. again.


suddenly, i found myself torn between a primal instinct of needing her, to the most foreign, out of touch feeling i could have imagined.  i simply couldn't understand how i could feel such........disconnect.

i needed and wanted her to belong to me, and i felt the same need to belong to her.  why didn't she act like she knew me?  why was i so unfamiliar to her?  how could she have carried me around, literally, for 9 months and now she has zero connection?  why doesn't she need me?????  how can she be so uninterested in us having a connection?

each time we met was more awkward and unsettling as the time before. up to that point in my life, i can't say i knew any other woman who had shown so little regard for her own child.  i watched her move through her days with no care or concern for anyone, including her little boy.

devastating.  simply, utterly devastating.

finding her, part 5

i had left my front door open, waiting.  she walked in.  i was standing about five feet away with my fists clenched by either cheek and a nervous grin on my face.

i slowly stepped toward her and relaxed my arms.  her first words to me, "don't hug me."  hmmmm.  odd, no?  oh well, maybe she was just in shock.  i certainly was, because i was the absolute image of her from head to toe.  it was almost uncomfortably shocking.  i didn't know how to look like someone.  i was used to looking like NO ONE at all.

"that hair really throws me off."  hmmm.  weird.  actually, i was pissed that she said that to me, but i was busy trying to fall in love, so i let it go.

as we moved to the living room to sit down, i noticed we walked alike.  she even touched her own hair like i touched mine, with a strange trepidation, as if the "poof" of it would become explosive if we messed with it.

as we sat together, she showed me a big bag of pictures from her childhood, all the way through her present marriage.  we looked for hours on end.  to be honest, after a while i started to get a little antsy.  didn't she want to know anything about me or see any pictures of mine?

in those few hours, she said some of the coldest, most rude things to me, but again- i was busy trying to be happy and grateful to have her RIGHT there.

"so why did you give me away??"

"well, mainly because i didn't want you.  what i really wanted was an abortion."

holy shit.  did she really just say that to me???????????  are you shitting me???

"but you had me, so didn't you change your mind at all once you saw me?  isn't it like in the movies, when the lady sees her baby and her whole life changes????  she falls in love with her kid and will do anything to protect her baby.  didn't that happen??  didn't you feel any of that stuff??"

"um, no.  i never wanted to look at you.  i had zero intention of keeping you, so why would i look at you?  my mother looked at you and she tried to make me look, but i just didn't have it in me.  i didn't want you before, and i didn't want you after."

what happened next will never leave my memory...............as much as i pray for it to go..............

finding her, part 4

i went to my room, mainly to sulk in private.  i was so pissed off.  i had really blown it by making the mistake of putting that stupid phone down.  i vowed i would never forgive myself.

i fluctuated between hating myself and feeling downright sorry for me.  i couldn't believe i had her right there and she was gone again in about 10 seconds flat.  i couldn't recall having been so disappointed in my entire life.  not once.

as i sat there on my bedroom floor in tears, the phone rang.  i leapt up and answer within the first ring.  "HELLO!!!!!!!!!"  it was xyz again!  to be honest, i don't remember much of what he said to me, except for a couple of details.  "her name is sally.  she's from herkimer, is married and now lives in new jersey.  i spoke to her and she would like to know if she can call you? she has a 6 month old baby that is sleeping right now."  of  course i said yes, and at around 10pm, my phone rang.

when i answered, the voice belonged to a man.  totally threw me off.  "hi jeni, my name is david.  i'm married to a woman named sally.  we think she might be your birthmother.  do you think that's possible?"

"yes, i absolutely do."

"would you like to speak to her?"  all i could think was, "wow, what a stupid question."  he put her on the phone and away we went.

we talked for 4 hours straight, until 2am.  we covered everything from big moose, to skating, to her life in herkimer.  we decided that she would come to new york in two weeks to meet.

to be honest, that should have been my first clue that this was going to go downhill from there.  i thought it odd that she would or even could wait two whole weeks!!!  what the hell!!!!!

but wait, i did.  i had no other choice.  that saturday finally came.  i still remember what i was wearing.  i had to work that morning on the air from 9-12.  it was without question, the longest 3 hours of my entire life.  i got home at around 12:30.  i remember being in the bathroom fixing my huge, oversized spiral curls, spritzing them like crazy because they were one of the things i was known for.

i looked at myself from every angle possible to make sure i didn't look fat.  or that my nose wasn't having an excessively 'big' day.  i fixed my eyeliner, mascara and lip liner about 200 times each.

all of my roommates were out, either working or simply making themselves scarce.  i was an absolute nervous wreck.  i was shaking like crazy, pacing back and forth to the bathroom and the full length mirror, then to the kitchen and back to the bathroom.

finally, i heard it- "slam!"  a car door.

finding her, part 3

i was sitting at my desk at the radio station one night when all of a sudden my phone rang.

"hi jeni, this is xyz....." (one of the people working with sandy).  "we've found your mother."  i'm sure his announcement was met with silence on my end for nearly a minute. 

"you WHAT???????????"  what he was telling me was simply not possible.  it had to be a mistake.  he could never find her, because i had already tried hard enough, and if my will alone wasn't adequate, nothing else would be, or should be.

"can you hold on for one second?"  i put the phone down and shut my office door so i could freak out with this guy in private.  i ran back to my desk, picked the phone back up, "you've GOT to be shitting me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  you found my MOTHER!???????" 

and just like that- POOF.  investigator man was gone.  "hello???  hello???  HELLO??????????????????"  nothing.

i waited in my office for at least 2 hours for him to call back.  instinctively, i knew he had hung up for safety reasons.....like wiretapping or something else that could get his cover blown.  if that happened, he would never be able to help another adoptee.  the sealed records are sealed for a reason, and no one in NY has ever had that ruling overturned.  not once.

finally i decided to leave for home, even though every fiber of my being knew i would miss his call back while in transit-- such a big part of me wanted to sleep under my desk at work and wait for the phone to ring again.

i got in my car and raced home anyway.  once there, i grilled my four roommates- "did anyone call me?  anyone?  did this phone ring in the last 45 minutes?  has anyone at all called here looking for me?" 

not one phone call.  not even a wrong number. 

i felt deflated, devastated and like my mother had been right there in my hands and i let her slip away.  she was gone again.  gone.

finding her, part 2

when i was about 13, i started to search for my mother on my own.  i had a piece of paper that came with me, and one of the things it mentioned was that she was a competitive swimmer.  i started calling all the local high schools to see who had a pool.  i then went to each school's library and looked at old yearbooks, really searching for my face in one of school's swimmers faces.

i also tried calling every junior and senior in each yearbook, asking if they remember any of the girls getting pregnant in high school.

by the time i was 18, i was dating a cop, and i tried looking up police records on all those same people.  a big part of me wondered if she had broken any laws, because i assumed she must have been a derelict if she could just abandon her own baby.

by the time i was working at the radio station, i was sort of depleted of ideas, but i still never stopped hoping and daydreaming.

i felt the usual flicker of hope......the possibility of finding her was still there.....but at the same time, i had the safety of knowing i would never really find her.  right???  i mean, it had never happened before, even with eight years of searching frantically on my own.  i thought i had wished "hard enough" for it to happen, but it hadn't.  so deep down inside i had a "knowing" that it was never going to happen.

so, the more i stared at the information for this lady who searched for people missing through adoption, the more i thought, "why not?"  so i called the number listed.

i talked to a lady named sandy who told me that she was a first mother and had found her daughter.  i didn't end up booking her for the radio show, but i did book her for my own search.

my immediate thought was that i had to tell my mother.  she was in full support, as was my father.  they were also concerned and skeptical, being that my adoption was in the tightly sealed state of ny.

still, i sat at my desk for the next several weeks waiting for the phone to ring.  i also called sandy here and there, asking how my search was coming along.  "still working on it!"

i was convinced she'd never find my other mother either.  until one day when my phone rang.....

"jeni?  we've located your mother."

TBC............

all lies. except that i'm a girl with brown eyes and hair.

girl

brown eyes

brown hair

5 pounds 3 ounces

19 inches

Mother: brown hair and eyes. Competitive swimmer. In college preparatory courses. Her father lives in another country. Russian decent. Negative health history. 5'3", 125#. Several aunts and uncles, several siblings. Protestant.

Father 5'10". Enrolled in college in engineering. Athletic, negative health history. Protestant.

The natural mother was very concerned for her child, and therefore chose adoption.

Carol Owens - Social Worker

i'm "un-done", so here's an "un-done" post.......

late june, 1984.  route 28 north.  summer vacation. big blue station wagon, with my skating dresses and tights all packed, on the way to lake placid to practice for the first 6 weeks of summer, no less than a million hours a day, both on and off the ice.  the 4 hour car ride felt like a million years to me every time.

"tell me the story again, ma."

"sure:)  your mother was very young......and she knew she couldn't take care of you, and she loved you so much, she gave you away to a family that she knew could give you what you needed.  love, time, care."

i remember sitting in the passenger side, trying to figure this out.  "try harder to figure it out."  that's what i kept telling myself.  if adoption didn't make sense to me, i must not be trying hard enough to figure it out. 

adoption didn't make sense to me that summer, or any of the summers before, or any of the summers, winters or springs of falls since.  all i knew, and know, for SURE, is that it makes no sense.

never has, never will.

to be continued.........

the nail lady: living conditions

j:  hey tracy- long time no see.  how in the world are you?

t: oh, fye fye fye.  what new fah you?

j: hmm.  went on vacation, still job hunting and such....so do you watch the tv show "hoarders"?

t: no tye fah tv.  no tye, no tye.

j: well, it's about people who can't stop buying shit.  they buy some stuff that's the same as they already own and they buy more stuff, whether they can afford it or not.  then they have all this stuff in their house and can hardly move from room to room.

t: who lib lye dat?

j: people who hoard.  some people even hoard animals and they'll have like, 50 cats or 25 dogs or a room full of lizards or whatnot.

t: but why?  why dey lib lye dat?

j: i don't know man.  all i can tell you is that i can not tolerate shit like that.  i can't even go to bed with a dirty fork in the sink.  the drawers have to be closed perfectly, the towels have to be even, the laundry done, the floors clean, the bathroom spotless, the dog and cat toys are put away, their beds straightened, and when i'm in bed, the sheets have to be even, the pillows perfect.....the tv at a particular angle, the magazines put away in my night stand.....good Lord,  HOW do people LIVE with HOARDERS!?

t: how the FUCK does faith live with YOU?