"mother and child" movie

holy god.

last night faith and i watched "mother and child".  needless to say, i feel like slitting my throat, but i digress.

anyway.....faith was saying that she learned new parts of me.  that my verbiage re: sally had always concerned her bc i would say things like,

"i hate that wretched fucking SICK excuse for a fucking ****!"

"if she ever crossed my path she should DEFINITELY, RIGHTLY call the police if she felt like she wanted to see the FUCKING dawn of tomorrow...."

"nothing would make me happier than to fucking god damn HOOF it to NJ and choke the ever FUCKING life out of that heartless fucking excuse for for a pathetic replica of a human being...."

anyhow, last night, watching the movie, we paused it, and i fucking lost.my.MIND.

she said to me, "your feelings toward her are so violent.....i don't know how to help you."

and then it happened..............................


"LET ME FUCKING EXPLAIN SOME SIMPLE FUCKING "ABC" SHIT TO YOU!!!!  that bitch grew me!  she birthed me.  she made the decision to HAVE me, and JUST as simply made another CHOICE to Leave me.  SHE.left ME.  she deserted me and i can't forgive her unless she takes me back."

so there you have my bottom fucking line.  i could kill that mother fucker with my bare hands, and rejoice in every second of it.


but what would heal me is if she just said to me, "you know, it's hard for me to admit, but i guess i DO have some feelings of love for you."

yummy wishes!!!!!!!!!!! 11/2/10

wishes.........................................................!


i wish...........

i wish people could understand that the very simplicity of saying "there's no difference in being an adoptee" is like "there's no difference between being an arsonist or just lighting a match"

this shit KILLS me. every.day.

every.day.

every.day.

every.day.

every.day.

it haunts me. it haunts me every.single.day.

haunts.me.

forever.

it doesn't leave. it doesn't get better. it doesn't go away.

it never changes. it won't ever leave my being.

it haunts me forever.

it haunts me.

it stays. WITH.ME.

it LIVES ON in ME. i can't move anywhere forward while i live with this inside me.

MY own physical creator/mother/incubator/whatever is the one who did THIS to ME.

...........SHE left ME.

she.LEFT.me.

and people wonder WHY adoptees suck at having relationships?

give me a break.

transferring....

what a pain in my ass.  i lost my entire blog, so i have to move everything over here.  patience, pls.