Monday, January 31, 2011

uh huh! you're SPOT ON, honey!

yeah, we all know how i feel about AP's in general.  but i have a few in my life that i actually like.  today i got a comment on my blog from an AP that was not just respectful, but shockingly sincere.  i KNOW, RIGHT???????????????????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  i was stunned!  anyway- here's part of it:

"...We all know that too many times adoption is NOT the result of genuine abandonment, but of coercion and abuse of pregnant women and natural mothers (SNIP) Does it still feel like abandonment to you?"

first things  MONSTER  mother was MORE than willing to rid herself of me.  she made that crystal clear on many occasions, reminding me repeatedly that she wanted to abort me all along.  when she birthed me, she couldn't be bothered to even give me a NO- she had no interest in even looking at me either.  she never held me.  she couldn't get me out of her sight fast enough.  she didn't "hand me over".....she just up and left the hospital and never looked back.  stupid wench.

anyway, i can't answer for ALL adoptees, but many have had similar situations, and still have similar feelings.  but i can tell you how *I* feel.

yes.  abandonment is a lifelong issue.  i believe it's a lot of why i've never been married, have no kids and have never lived with anyone before in a relationship.

the fear of being left is so overpowering, that no one and nothing can make it go away.  "leave before you get anyone else."  that's my lifelong motto.  i fuck up every relationship i've ever been in, so i can be SURE to break it off before anything too deep happens.

again, this is another thing that my parents couldn't have had any power over.  they did nothing to make me this way.  my brothers did nothing, nor did any single person...........EXCEPT HER.

my first mother.  she fucked me up for good.  permanently.  forever.  not fixable.  nor repairable.  not gonna change.  won't change.

when i say, "leave before you get left" i mean that i feel like i MUST leave in order to keep myself safe.  i don not believe i can survive being left by someone THAT significant again.  i don't want to try.  what she did scarred me for the rest of my existence.

i once questioned my facebook adoptee friends: "would you rather have been aborted, or lived this life as an adoptee?"  90% of the people who responded were absolutely certain they would rather have been aborted to live this pain of being an adoptee.

so in answer to the original question, and more......yes.  i will always feel abandoned until the day i die.  no matter who likes me, loves me, or just happens to give a small shit about me. 

i will NEVER recover from being abandoned.  never.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

what i wish

i don't know what i need. i don't know what i need to hear or feel or have.

all i know is that i am lost and i am AT a loss for how to explain this.

i need her to love me and she won't. i've been trying to get her to even acknowledge me for over 20 years, but that doesn't even matter to me.

all i care is if she would secretly love me.

i'm stuck. i'm sad. i'm frozen and i'm sick.

until she loves me back, even secretly, i am all of those things.

not only do i have zero intention of needing to changing those things, i actually feel that i would be doing a disservice to myself by acting as if they weren't my reality.

these feelings are my reality. i accept them somewhat. i know they're real. i hear them, and i feel them.

but in my heart, i must hold hope that she will one day love me, even in secret. i would relish her secret love......more than anything. i would relish it and care for it and hold it and love it.

i can't imagine her loving me. but i can hope. i have to hope.

i have nothing else to hold on to.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

the mama's. NOT the papa's.

oh my gawd, how i never, ever thought i could write a post like this.  i never intended it, i never wanted to, i never felt the need to, and i never thought any first mother deserved my time to be recognized.  NEVER!

i could never believe a mother cared about losing her child because MINE didn't.  she never gave a shit.  in fact, she'll tell you herself that she didn't give a shit.  want her phone number?????????  PM me and i'll gladly hand it over.  she'll tell you ALLLLLLLLLLLL about what an inconvenience i was.  but i digress........

i'm coming around a smidge.  don't you DARE try to push me along in this, because it might set me back ten million years.  but yes- i'm starting to believe there's a possibility that some mothers didn't actually hate their babies, want to abort them,, and or never think of them again.

give me a moment.  i can hardly believe i feel these things.

i wish my mother cared.  i wish she cared one tiny bit.  i wish she felt an ounce of what i felt when i held my nephew the first time.  i knew instantly that i would kill or die for that kid.

it was almost like he was really "real"!  like a real relative!!!!  it was overwhelming and unearthly and ungodly and weird and glorious and incredible!  i felt a strange attachment that i couldn't explain.

i think back now and i feel like he was so new to life that he didn't know any better than to accept me as family.  he didn't know "adoption".

i remember about 2 years ago in NY, my mom, brother, his wife, and my two nephews all worked at hope house for the holiday.  after, we went and had dinner together.

i said something in passing about my sister (bio) and my younger nephew was clearly dumbfounded.  he couldn't figure out who the hell i was talking about.  he doesn't think of me as adopted either, so my bio fam is a mystery to him too.

i hate the separation of families.  i hate the tip toeing.  i hate the anger i feel.  i hate the abandonment i know.  i can't tolerate the injustices that come with adoption.

none of this is fair.

mothers losing babies..........the only thing i can even relate to that is losing my animals.  they're really the only 'kids' i will ever know.  i don't have children.  as much as i would absolutely DIE to have a baby, it's not looking like it's going to happen.

babies losing mothers............i see the look in my dog's eyes when i leave her behind occasionally, and she looks broken.  i can't imagine......i can't fathom feeling that with a child.

and then there's being the child that lost the mother.  i'm the expert there.  and i'm a really good one.

there is a primal pain like no other when she leaves you.  whether or not she intended to, meant to, had to, needed to.....she still left you.

mine left me.  i am aware that i will not recover from her leaving me.  i do not WANT to recover from her leaving me.  if i could recover from such a primal wound, what does that make me????  NOT someone i want to know.

never recovering from her leaving me means one thing, and one thing only:  i love my mother more than anything in this life, and i can not and WILL not be OK until she loves me back.

even if it's just for one tiny moment.  just one moment.

"it bites"

that's how being adopted feels to me.  i don't like it.  it sucks.

i wish my mother was just my mother.  i wish my brothers were just my brothers.  i wish my father had just been my father. 

instead, the way it works with being adopted is that you wonder all the time when you're going to pull something that jacks it all up and you're gonna get 'sent back'.

it's NOTHING your parents put in your head (hopefully).  it's just in you.  it's natural. 

let's look at it this way:  your own creator abandoned you.  why the hell would it be any harder for someone not even related to abandon you?

there isn't anything your parents can do to fix it.  your brothers can't fix it.  your new grandparents can't fix it.  the community you become ingrained in can't fix it.  neither can church, girl scouts, neighbors, cousins, family pets.  nothing will ever fix what has been done: initial abandonment and the aftermath.

i have a new friend i really like a lot, and she's an AP.  she asked me in so many words last night, "is this feeling 'everyday', or does it come and go?" 

i told her that it's really always there, but i can get through a day without it shutting me down, but God forbid someone mentions the "A" word.  i lose my mind.  especially on the inside.  i can get pretty vocal about it when challenged, but i've gotten to the point where i prefer to think first, then decide what battles to pick.  some aren't worth my breath.

but the answer is a definite YES.  nearly every adoptee i have the pleasure of knowing feels quite the same, although there are slight tweaks here and there.

it's painful.  it's primal.  no, it doesn't go away.

why would it?  why should it?  if you lost a parent to cancer, do you just get over it?  if you have a stillborn child, do you forget?  if you watched your sister die of parkinsons do you just move on?  no. 

neither do adoptees.  we lost.  and no, we don't forget.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Yummy wishes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i wish...........

i wish people could understand that the very simplicity of saying "there's no difference in being an adoptee" is like "there's no difference between being an arsonist or just lighting a match"

this shit KILLS me.

it haunts me. it haunts me


it doesn't leave. it doesn't get better. it doesn't go away.

it never changes. it won't ever leave my being.

it haunts me forever.

it haunts me.

it stays. WITH.ME.

it LIVES ON in ME. i can't move anywhere forward while i live with this inside me.

MY own physical creator/mother/incubator/whatever is the one who did THIS to ME.

...........SHE left ME.

and people wonder WHY adoptees suck at having relationships?

give me a break.